Education

Wombles adopt zero-tolerance approach to littering

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The Wombles will put holes in any motherfucker they catch littering from now on, they have announced.

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Middle-class parents demand their stupid child is diagnosed as dyslexic

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A middle-class child whose parents insist he has ‘undiagnosed dyslexia’ is actually just not that bright, according to sources today.

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Mum sick of so-called ‘experts’ telling her children not to eat button batteries

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Brighton Mum Eleanor Gay has hit out against medical advice of the potentially deadly risk of children eating button batteries.

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North Korean Internet impossible to satirise

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Jokes about the North Korean Internet being only eight pages of how great Kim Jong-Un is are actually all true, it turns out.

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Mum’s fury as son is sent home for wearing purple gimp mask to school

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A mum was left furiously staring into a photographer’s camera following the latest school uniform violation.

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Channel 4 to show Great British Bake Off’s first lesbian kiss

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Channel 4 has announced that the next series of Great British Bake Off will feature the long-running cookery programme’s first ever lesbian kiss.

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Ambitious children keen to become next generation of academics the government ignore

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Ambitious and hardworking schoolchildren are looking forward to becoming the next generation of teachers, doctors and scientists who the government will completely ignore when formulating policy.

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Giddy Archers fan stays up until 9:30pm

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A longtime fan of The Archers stayed up until 9:30pm last night as they couldn’t stop talking about it.

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Head lice to be made compulsory as part of the school uniform

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All primary school children in England and Wales are to be given head lice in a major shakeup of school uniform rules.

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Britain’s four-year-olds in state of shock after first week of school

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Parents across the nation have reported their four-year-olds losing the will to live at the prospect of having to do this ‘school’ thing every week for the next fourteen years.

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