Education

Paul Nuttall’s autobiography to be a Choose Your Own Adventure book

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If you want to be leader of UKIP, turn to page 23, if you want to battle a goblin for ten gold coins, turn to page 144.

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Start your own website, people demanding ‘balance’ told

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People on Internet comments threads who think joke writers aren’t pandering to them enough have been told to start their own fucking website today.

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School Parents’ Evenings to be held in the pub from now on

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Both teachers and parents have agreed that Parents’ Evening will be held in the pub from now on for the sake of all concerned.

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Captain Cook’s landing at Botany Bay was faked, insists 18th century conspiracy theorist

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An 18th-century conspiracy theorist is convinced Captain Cook’s landing at Botany Bay was faked in a London engraving parlour.

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Middle-class child fails to say anything poignant about Donald Trump

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A pair of middle-class parents are concerned their six-year-old may have educational difficulties after she failed to say anything poignant about Donald Trump for them to tweet about.

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“Who’s President of the United States in 2017?” Doc Brown asks Marty McFly

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Doctor Emmett Brown of 1987 has reacted with scorn and disbelief after asking ‘future boy’ Marty McFly who the President of the United States is in 2017.

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The Year of the Cock to last for four years, confirms China

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Chinese Premier Xi Jinping has confirmed that the Year of the Cock is set to last for an unprecedented four years.

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Hogwarts ordered to take more Muggle students to meet inclusivity targets

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Hogwarts School has been ordered to take more Muggle students or risk losing its charitable status.

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Night sky lambasted for looking ‘too Islamic’

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After a clear night over Britain, the night sky has attracted strong criticism for featuring symbols of Islam, such as a star and a crescent moon.

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December 2015 wakes up in the shower

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In a stunning last-minute plot twist, December 2015 has woken up in the shower revealing everything that happened in the last 12 months to have been just a dream.

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