Education

Hairdressing college drops ‘hairdressing’ to focus on league tables

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The historic hair college of Bletchley will stop teaching students how to cut hair from next term, to focus more strongly on their performance in league tables.

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University graduates buoyed by news of 2,500 new McDonald’s jobs

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University graduates previously concerned that the last three years of their lives had been a complete waste of time and money have received a boost, after McDonald’s announced 2,500 exciting opportunities for ambitious team-players.

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Parents avoid child gender stereotypes by conforming to hippy stereotype

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The parents of five year-old Sasha Laxton have successfully avoided the gender stereotypes normally associated with young children by conforming to the traditional stereotype of hippies.

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Children’s behaviour influenced by parents’ inability to turn TV off

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After complaining that their children are copying the behaviour of pre-schoolers cartoon favourite, Peppa Pig, parents are being offered a crash course in how to turn their televisions off.

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Thick kids don’t get any brighter, finds study

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Children who struggle with the three ‘Rs’ when they start primary school will not get any brighter just because you want them to, a new survey has discovered.

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Confusion as consistently average schools labelled ‘inconsistent’

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Parents and teachers alike have criticised school inspectors for their ‘sometimes baffling’ use of the English language after a new report on standards in education was handed in late and riddled with errors.

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University application slump could reduce traffic cone theft

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The 13% decrease in the number of students applying for university places next year could dramatically reduce the number of traffic cones that end up in the hallways of student houses or on the heads of statues, Universities and Science Minister David Willetts has revealed.

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Police disperse student protesters with impromptu Billy Bragg gig

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The Police successfully avoided a repeat of the violence that marred last year’s student marches by deploying a middle-aged socialist with a guitar to help disperse protesters at yesterday’s demonstration in London.

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‘I bet you were an August baby’ to become most popular insult

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After a study showed that summer-born children were at an academic and professional disadvantage throughout their lives, people everywhere were introduced to a whole new world of potential insults.

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‘Delay applying for courses until we’ve seen your parents’ income’ urges UCAS

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UCAS, the organisation that tells students where they can spend their money, is demanding a shake-up to the application process to favour hopeful youngsters that are genuinely financially gifted, insisting students should only apply after they’ve supplied proof of their parents’ earnings.

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