Education

Disappointment as Iron Fist turns out not to be sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey

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Viewers say that Iron Fist is not the sequel to Fifty Shades of Gray they’d been hoping for.

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When we said ‘once in a lifetime’ we meant ‘a Glasgow lifetime’, clarifies SNP

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With the teenage pregnancy rate and average life expectancy in Glasgow, five years is ‘about right’, the SNP has confirmed.

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Richard Dawkins off on one again

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Richard Dawkins is off on one again, we can report today.

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Hogwarts to become a grammar school

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Hogwarts has announced plans to ensure only the brightest members of the wizarding world are rewarded with the sort education they have on offer.

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Donald Trump’s Scottish welcome to be led by Begbie

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Donald Trump’s state visit will take place mostly in Scotland because Scots are well-known for quiet and polite protest, the White House has decided.

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Parents busy picking best bit of house for Facebook World Book Day costume photo

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Facebook parents across the country have spent the morning frantically searching for the most flattering part of their home in which to photograph their children wearing their World Book Day costumes.

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Big Brother adds fourth line to manifesto

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Benevolent dictator Big Brother has punched up his message with a fourth line “News is Fake” this morning.

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Suicide bomber shortage means ISIS now offering 80 virgins in the afterlife

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A series of defeats mean that Islamic terror organisations are offering ever-increasing numbers of virgins in the afterlife to drum up interest.

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Paul Nuttall’s autobiography to be a Choose Your Own Adventure book

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If you want to be leader of UKIP, turn to page 23, if you want to battle a goblin for ten gold coins, turn to page 144.

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Start your own website, people demanding ‘balance’ told

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People on Internet comments threads who think joke writers aren’t pandering to them enough have been told to start their own fucking website today.

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