Business

Boss unwilling to accept ‘Met Office told me to stay indoors’ excuse for missing work

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Your boss has this afternoon rejected your excuse for not being at work today, after you took the Met Office’s warning to stay indoors literally.

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Brexiters vow to boycott Amazon as soon as they can work out what it is

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Amazon’s decision to warn of civil unrest in the case of a hard Brexit, has led many ardent Leavers furiously calling for strong action as soon they decide if it is a parcel service or one of those telly channels people watch on their phone.

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Donald Trump releases line of flip-flops

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You can order your “Make America Great Again” flip-flops now (made in China).

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Marketing arseholes mulling over what body part they will make women feel crap about in 2019

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July is the traditional time of year when the creative minds in advertising departments decide what perfectly normal physical attribute of a woman’s body they will claim is a horrific blemish needing expensive alteration.

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Mark Zuckerberg hospitalised after dangerously prolonged laughing fit following ICO fine

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One of Silicon Valley’s most illustrious entrepreneurs suffered a collapsed lung and two fractured ribs after the announcement of the Information Commissioner’s Office fine of £500K led the billionaire to collapse on the floor in a fit of prolonged hysterical laughter.

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Updated Sunday Times rich-list is ‘mostly ice-cream men’

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Britain’s ice cream men are suddenly absolutely minted.

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Loathsome EU bastards insist on giving British holidaymakers even more protection

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Meddling eurocrats are seeking to ensure British consumers are protected when they book package holidays in the latest display of their frightening power.

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Hot weather lettuce shortage ‘just the tip of the Iceberg’, claim experts

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The current hot weather-induced lettuce crisis is really just the tip of the Iceberg, according to experts and half-arsed online satirists. As temperatures hit thirty degrees in many parts of the UK, lettuce growers admitted the heatwave could spell the endive the line for the popular veg. Green veg expert, Simon Williams, said, “For farmers […]

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Arm journalists, insists Donald Trump

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In the wake of yet another mass shooting in the US, the President has suggested that members of the press be routinely armed in an effort to save lives.

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Waitrose to attract other socio-economic groups by re-branding as ‘WIDL’

Following the issue of a profit warning this week by the John Lewis Partnership, the decision has been made to re-brand Waitrose to appeal to a greater number of regular people.

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