Business

Oxford Analytica officially declare victory over longstanding rivals after Cambridge Analytica close

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Following the announced closure of Cambridge Analytica yesterday, longstanding and bitter rivals Oxford have declared themselves the victors.

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Marvel to release “Where’s Hawkeye?” Infinity War spinoff book

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Comics fans will be invited to try and find the archer superhero amongst the literally hundreds of characters who appear in the film.

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Huge tailbacks at Scottish/English border as minimum alcohol pricing comes into force

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Lengthy queues of vans, LGVs and low-loaders are reported at the Scottish border this morning as minimum alcohol pricing comes into force.

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ASDA Sainsbury’s merger still can’t put together a meal deal that isn’t utterly shit

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The merger between two of the country’s biggest supermarket chains has left workers baffled that between them they can’t put together a meal deal that doesn’t taste like mediocrity.

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Corporate apology template to be included in all future versions of MS Word

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Microsoft has announced that future editions of its popular Word application will have a template for corporate apologies.

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‘Venom’ trailer basically evil Mister Tickle

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The trailer for the forthcoming ‘Venom’ superhero film has revealed the plot to be evil Mister Tickle off the Mister Men, movie insiders report.

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TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines

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Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.

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Landlord ruins pub by making it family friendly

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A local boozer has ruined everything by welcoming children.

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L.K. Bennett fingerprints its customers, affirms Amber Rudd

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The Home Secretary has declared that registration for EU nationals after Brexit would be as easy as joining a shopping website that requires a passport scan, fingerprints, two proofs of address and countersigned photos just to buy a handbag.

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Daily Express wanks itself dry as Princess Diana’s grandson is born on Saint George’s Day

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The Daily Express has spuffed all over the place.

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