Business

Thank you President Trump for all your help with marketing, say publishers of Fire and Fury

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Henry Holt and Co, the publisher of Michael Wolff’s tell-all story about Trump’s first year in office, has issued a heartfelt Thank You message to the US president.

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Workers to mark ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ by obediently swallowing more corporate gravy

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Workers across Britain are today celebrating ‘Fat Cat Thursday’ – the point at which top UK bosses have already earned the average salary – by accepting the same bullshit that they do every day like good little boys and girls.

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Scots panic-buying Irn-Bru amid plans to remove girders from the recipe

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Plans to stop making Irn-Bru from girders have led to original recipe stocks of the drink flying off the shelves.

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Theresa May to appease grumpy commuters by turning rail tickets blue

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Theresa May has announced that all rail tickets will be blue from March 2019 in a move designed to appease grumpy commuters.

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Sorry, we meant to call you ‘sugar-knockers honey-pants’ Virgin Trains tell complainant

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Virgin Trains have offered an apology to a woman who complained after a senior member of staff called her ‘honey’, saying that he should have called her ‘sugar-knockers honey-pants’ in line with company policy.

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Anger towards rail companies rises by average of 100%

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Experts have today estimated that negative commuter emotions towards rail companies risen by an average of 100% nationwide today, a rise of over 50% more than the anger felt towards rail companies at the start of 2017.

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Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, not-drunk Brits leap back into work

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Britain’s populace is absolutely raring to go this morning.

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Anti-establishment politician all butthurt at not being offered a knighthood

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A self-described anti-establishment politician has taken to the press to sulk about not getting a knighthood today.

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UK businesses to lose £15bn on ‘F*ck-all Friday’

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Government analysts have predicted UK businesses will lose more than £15Bn revenue today as millions of workers rock-up and do absolutely nothing for 8 hours.

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Toffifee mysteriously appears on supermarket shelves again

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This year, as every year, there is a mystery surrounding the recent arrival of Toffifee to supermarket shelves in the run-up towards Christmas.

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