Business

Politicians confident that snarky questions will reform banking industry

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In a victory for the common man, Paul Pester, CEO of Lloyds TSB, has been forced to interrupt his annual yacht-buying spree and be asked emotive rhetorical questions about the catastrophic IT failure that beset his customers.

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Heathrow’s third runway to be ready just as visitors stop coming to Brexit Britain

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The government has approved a third runway at Heathrow, just as the country is becoming a less attractive place to live and visit.

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Lidl to introduce seating for customers queuing at tills

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Lidl will be installing a line of seats at each checkout till to improve their customers’ shopping experience, it has been announced.

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IT department brings in new streamlined process for denying requests

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An IT department has brought in a series of revolutionary, streamlined processes that, it claims, will be able to deny user requests in record time.

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The Evening Standard is a wonderful newspaper at the pinnacle of journalistic integrity, insists NewsThump

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The Evening Standard is a wonderful newspaper, helmed by a natural-born newsman in George Osborne, and populated with articles of the highest journalistic quality, according to NewsThump from their new and expensively redecorated offices this morning.

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Tony the Tiger spotted outside local job centre

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Government proposals for a ban on cartoon characters advertising sugary breakfast cereals have resulted in a number of high-profile job losses.

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Hipster Benedictine monk to launch Craft Buckfast

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A bearded hipster monk based in Devon at Buckfast Abbey, may have upset generations of fortified winemaking colleagues with his new cool drink aimed at the discerning palate of sociopaths.

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Employees delighted after new member of staff turns out to be a grammar pedant

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Staff members at a Wokingham law firm have expressed delight upon discovering that a new joiner is a bit of a stickler for grammar and spelling.

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‘Black customers are allowed white coffee’ Starbucks employees told

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Starbucks employees are taking a day off to learn how not to be racist.

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Thunder Gods battling in the sky forced us to cancel flights, claim Stansted airport

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Supernatural forces making loud noises and giant streaks of light have forced the management of Stansted airport to cancel all flights and cower under the kitchen table clutching bundles of burning sages and magic stones.

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