Business

Our turkeys are made from 100% kebab meat, insist Iceland

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Iceland has moved to alleviate concerns regarding their turkeys by insisting that they are made from the purest doner kebab meat.

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The tax you pay is less than 1/50th of what it cost us to bail you out, public remind banks

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After banks highlighted how much they provide in tax revenue, the public have been quick to remind them how minuscule that figure is in comparison to the amount of taxpayers money they have spunked up the wall in the last few years.

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John Lewis ‘overwhelmed’ by demand for heavily advertised Perfect Child™

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John Lewis has urged shoppers to remain calm as they battle over this year’s heavily promoted ‘must-have’ Christmas gift, Perfect Child™, warning that stocks are running low and that the next shipment from China is not due until the New Year.

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Simon Cowell wins X Factor for record 8th time

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Simon Cowell shocked morons everywhere last night by dramatically securing his eighth successive victory in ITV’s X Factor.

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First private ‘stalker clinic’ to be sponsored by News International

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A new, heavily overlooked clinic specifically designed to treat stalkers has been built by News International.

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Millions of payday loan customers urged to seek maths lesson

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The millions of Britons expected to take out payday loans in the next six months have been urged to learn a few basic mathematical principles, or at least buy a bloody calculator.

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Standard and Poor’s to issue Pope Catholicism warning

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Standard & Poor’s are to continue their current trend of issuing blindingly obvious warnings by downgrading Pope Benedict XVI to ‘probably Catholic’.

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Ryanair to offer first budget flights to Kepler 22-b

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Budget airline Ryanair has stolen a march on the competition by offering discount flights to newly discovered Earth-like planet Kepler 22-b, flying into Kepler 22-b Luton airport.

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Warning to consumers that coffee shop smugness ‘varies significantly’

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The level of smugness found in high street coffee shops varies considerably, a report revealed today.

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As economic confidence plummets, Google removes ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button

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Search giant Google has responded to increasingly widespread economic pessimism by temporarily removing the ‘I’m feeling lucky’ button which usually sits next to the search box on its web page.

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