Business

Police issue warning about dangers of black market iceberg lettuce

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With news that the country is facing a national shortage of iceberg lettuces, police have issued a warning against buying iceberg lettuces from illegal black market suppliers.

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Woman channels spirit of the Blitz to make do with ration of three iceberg lettuces

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A London woman has channelled the spirit of the Blitz in order to make do with her meagre rations of three iceberg lettuces today.

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Daily Mail editor has David Cameron’s testicles on display at home

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Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre keeps David Cameron’s testicles in a display case at home, according to reports today.

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Petrol price increases due to weak Pound and there not being a lot left, say experts

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People are once again baffled by the inexplicable rise in the value of something that is about to run out forever.

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Fat Controller to take over at Southern Rail

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A stout animatronic wooden cartoon man has been brought in to improve service in a major shakeup at Southern Rail.

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Trump supporter furious after Taco Bell refuses to pay for his burrito

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Cookeville, Tennessee voter Simon-Bob Williams has reacted with fury today after his local Taco Bell said they would not cover the cost of his breakfast burrito.

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Drinks firm Diageo sees profits rise after 2016 drove everyone to drink

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Diageo has announced improved profits after 2016 drove many millions of people to drink.

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The Year of the Cock to last for four years, confirms China

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Chinese Premier Xi Jinping has confirmed that the Year of the Cock is set to last for an unprecedented four years.

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Southern Trains are always late because they’re soft, insist Northerners

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Southern trains are always late because they’re soft, Northerners have said today.

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Everyone’s a f**king economist now

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Following Theresa May’s speech on Brexit, the entire British population is a f**king economist now.

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