Business

Workfare to end ‘something-for-nothing culture’ by giving multi-million pound companies something for nothing

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Iain Duncan Smith has defended the controversial Workfare scheme by claiming that the best way to end a “something-for-nothing culture” is to provide multi-million pound companies with something for nothing.

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UK retailers assure public that meat reports will contain 100% bull

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Britain’s largest food retailers have confirmed that their regular reporting of DNA tests on processed beef will comprise solely of bull, according to Environment Secretary Owen Paterson.

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Iain Duncan-Smith calls for shop worker ‘stacker-laureate’ qualification

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Iain Duncan-Smith has called for a new European style ‘stacker-laureate’, to demonstrate just how important shelf-stacking is to the British economy.

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End of page 3 to cause Celebrity Big Brother contestant shortage

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The end of The Sun’s page 3 ‘feature’ could lead to a dangerous lack of Celebrity Big Brother contestants, according to reports today.

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Further Findus controversy as fish revealed not to have fingers

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Frozen ready meal provider Findus is under further pressure today after tests showed that their Fish Finger products contained no aquatic digits whatsoever.

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Findus apologise for causing fresh outbreak of terrible horse puns

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After tests revealed that Findus lasagnes contain 100% horsemeat, the frozen food company have apologised for any increase in shit horse puns caused by the discovery.

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Odds of successful bookmakers robbery drift out to 33-1

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Bookmakers have lengthened the odds of someone carrying out a successful armed robbery in a betting shop to 33-1.

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Blockbuster customers finally forced to investigate ‘that there Internet’

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The last remaining BlockBuster customers have admitted that the firm’s demise could finally lead to them trying out one of these ‘computer’ things.

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UK High Street stores move above Pandas in global ‘endangered’ list

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High Street Stores across the UK have been added to the worldwide endangered species list, with economic climate change thought to be a major contributing factor in their expected demise.

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Cows blame lack of film roles for public’s contempt

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Cows have blamed a lack of big screen opportunities for people’s willingness to eat them after the public collapsed in anguish following revelations that they may have eaten something that has a well-known theme tune.

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