Business

Daily Mail journalist chokes to death after accidentally reading own article

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A promising tabloid journalism career was cut short today, when a junior Daily Mail reporter choked to death on his own bile after accidentally reading one of his previous articles.

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English and Scottish Sun newspapers urged to ‘take it outside’

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After taking diametrically opposite views of the SNP, The Sun and The Scottish Sun have been urged to take it outside and settle it like the Murdoch puppets they are.

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HSBC to move HQ to lair under volcano

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International financial criminals HSBC are considering moving their base of operations to a sprawling lair under a volcano on an obscure island in the Atlantic.

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Ronseal to do exactly what it says on the rotund vacuum moulded white prolypropylene copolymer labelled bucket

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DIY giant Ronseal has dropped its iconic ‘Does Exactly What it Says on the Tin’ strapline after a barrage of comments from eagle-eyed tweeters.

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Tesco CEO spotted shopping at Lidl after £6.4bn loss

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The head of supermarket giant Tesco has started doing his weekly food shop at Lidl after it was revealed that his company has financially fucked itself into a tin hat.

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Wonga declares £37.3m loss after accidentally borrowing a fiver from itself

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Legitimised loan-sharks Wonga have declared a substantial loss after someone in the expenses department pressed the wrong button and borrowed a fiver six months ago.

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Exports of Scotch Whisky fall 7%

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Overseas sales of Scotch whisky fell dramatically last year after years of growth, according to new figures.

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E-cigarette manufacturers celebrate as non-smoking teens found to be addicted

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The holy grail of a highly addictive product that can be legally sold to teenagers has been reached, according to new studies on e-cigarette use today.

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Pandas given survival lifeline as scientists discover they are delicious

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Pandas could become a common sight on farms across the world after scientists discovered just how tasty they are.

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Fracking industry demands cute little girl with pigtails as regulator

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Representatives from the UK fracking industry have called the current regulatory system ‘complex and relatively unapproachable’, demanding a new one led by a cute little girl with pigtails.

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