Business

‘Apple profits are outrageous’ tweets man into his new £700 iPhone

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Technology giant Apple has declared its biggest ever quarterly profit, much to the annoyance of people who don’t seem to understand how capitalism works.

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Russia’s credit rating is just fine actually, insists last surviving S&P analyst

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Less than a day after ratings agency Standard and Poor’s downgraded Russian debt to ‘junk’, the last living member of the ratings team has staged a remarkable u-turn.

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Carlsberg’s new 7.5% Special Brew to target ‘health conscious’ alcoholics

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Carlsberg is to reduce the alcohol content of its Special Brew lager from 9% to 7.5% in an attempt to corner the lucrative health-conscious alcoholic market.

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Election debates to address concerns over Cadbury’s Creme Egg recipe

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The first question at each of the pre-election debates will be about the new Cadbury’s Creme Egg recipe, according to sources this morning.

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Local pub forced to declare Major Incident

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The Red Lion pub in Haywards Heath earlier today declared a Major Incident after it was found to be operating near the peak of its capacity.

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City Link management to shag employees’ partners

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City Link management have announced plans to have affairs with its employees’ partners, shoot their pets and tell their kids that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

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Libraries urged to sell shitty, over-priced buckets of coffee flavoured milk

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Libraries have been urged to emulate coffee shops in order to survive, according to a new report into the service.

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Consumers ask Premier Foods for payment to continue buying their products

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Consumers across the country have been criticised after demanding payments from food manufacturer Premier Foods in order to keep buying their products.

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Black Friday sale like ‘the Hunger Games’, claims eye witness

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Black Friday sales across the country are descending into bloodbaths, according to those brave enough to take part.

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Train man proactively moves right the way down inside the carriage

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A passenger on a rush hour train has proactively made his into the middle of an otherwise packed carriage to allow fellow commuters to board, according to reports.

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