Business

Watered-up Budweiser ‘had dangerous levels of flavour’

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Fans of bland booze are suing the makers of Budweiser, claiming the flavour became ‘dangerously overwhelming’ after it was fortified with water.

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IKEA sofa found to contain traces of rocking horse

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IKEA has withdrawn a popular range of sofas after tests revealed it contains traces of rocking horse.

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Moody’s to downgrade UK threesomes to twosomes

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Sex fanatics’ worst fears were confirmed this morning after credit-rating agency Moody’s expressed a lack of confidence in the UK’s ability to perform group sex convincingly.

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Birds Eye to rebrand as Horse Anus

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PR executives at processed meal manufacturer Birds Eye are to rebrand the firm using the more appropriate name ‘Horse Anus’.

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Workfare to end ‘something-for-nothing culture’ by giving multi-million pound companies something for nothing

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Iain Duncan Smith has defended the controversial Workfare scheme by claiming that the best way to end a “something-for-nothing culture” is to provide multi-million pound companies with something for nothing.

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UK retailers assure public that meat reports will contain 100% bull

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Britain’s largest food retailers have confirmed that their regular reporting of DNA tests on processed beef will comprise solely of bull, according to Environment Secretary Owen Paterson.

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Iain Duncan-Smith calls for shop worker ‘stacker-laureate’ qualification

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Iain Duncan-Smith has called for a new European style ‘stacker-laureate’, to demonstrate just how important shelf-stacking is to the British economy.

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End of page 3 to cause Celebrity Big Brother contestant shortage

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The end of The Sun’s page 3 ‘feature’ could lead to a dangerous lack of Celebrity Big Brother contestants, according to reports today.

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Further Findus controversy as fish revealed not to have fingers

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Frozen ready meal provider Findus is under further pressure today after tests showed that their Fish Finger products contained no aquatic digits whatsoever.

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Findus apologise for causing fresh outbreak of terrible horse puns

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After tests revealed that Findus lasagnes contain 100% horsemeat, the frozen food company have apologised for any increase in shit horse puns caused by the discovery.

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