Business

Boris Johnson proposes bridge from Britain to France so he can campaign to close it again

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A bridge between Britain and France would be a spiffing thing to build and then campaign to shut, Boris Johnson has proposed.

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Wile E. Coyote proposes giant catapult across the Channel

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At the Franco-British summit, the minister and wild canid made headlines for proposing a radical new method to link the two countries by flinging goods and people from enormous slingshots on both sides of the English channel.

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C3PO running 30% slower after latest operating software update

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Star Wars droid C3PO has been discovered to be running much slower after his operating system was updated to the latest version.

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Sex with Donald Trump was the worst 45 seconds of my life, says Stormy Daniels

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The porn star paid off by Donald Trump during the election has described sleeping with him as the worst almost-minute she’s ever had.

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Bitcoin holding 50% off January sale

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The world’s largest cryptocurrency has joined the January sales by slashing prices by half.

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Woman who magically found £1bn to save her own job unable to find anything to save 20,000 jobs

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A woman who magically found £1bn of taxpayer money in order to save her own job has admitted she’s struggling to find the government money required to save 20,000 jobs.

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UK construction industry in crisis after government mistakenly bails out Marillion

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The UK Construction Industry is in terminal decline after the government incorrectly bailed out unfashionable, neo-progressive rock act Marillion.

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Biggest twat you know suddenly an expert on bitcoin

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That bloke who knows everything about everything has become an expert on bitcoin in the last three weeks.

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Man’s work timesheet a surprisingly accurate reflection of what he did that week

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A man who normally completes his timesheet in a half-arsed, last-job-of-the week-like strop has wowed colleagues and friends alike after his manager confirmed that his most recently submitted timesheet had been filled in accurately, and wholly reflected the work he had done during the week.

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Chinese businessmen offer £13,000 to not have dinner with David Cameron

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Following news that David Cameron is charging £12,000 to Chinese businessmen to join him for dinner, it is being reported that many Chinese businessmen are offering £13,000 not to.

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