Business

RBS boss Hester to struggle by on £1.2m salary alone

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RBS boss Stephen Hester has refused to take his £1m share bonus, insisting he is willing to struggle by on his £1.2m salary for the good of the taxpayer.

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‘Chaos’ if we stop rich people giving money to rich people, claims Duncan-Smith

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Iain Duncan-Smith has claimed the government can not intervene in the bonus given to Stephen Hester by the RBS board, because preventing rich people giving money to other rich people would leave the world in ‘chaos’.

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University graduates buoyed by news of 2,500 new McDonald’s jobs

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University graduates previously concerned that the last three years of their lives had been a complete waste of time and money have received a boost, after McDonald’s announced 2,500 exciting opportunities for ambitious team-players.

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Nick Clegg announces plan to encourage further tedious stocks and shares conversations

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Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is to urge more businesses to offer shares to their workers, claiming that tedious conversations about ‘portfolio performance’ should not be the preserve of the rich and middle-classes.

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Little Chef closures force motorists to travel few extra miles for overpriced slop

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As ‘Little Chef’ announced it is to close 67 of its 161 outlets, motorists faced the prospect of travelling a little further for their next hugely disappointing and vastly overpriced motorway meal.

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North Face launches range of gravy-proof clothing for the ‘indoorsy type’

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Fans of programmes about the countryside are flocking to online retailers to kit themselves out with North Face’s latest range of ‘high performance’ indoor clothing.

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First HS2 drivers’ strike scheduled for 2027

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Rail travellers are bracing themselves for yet more disruption on Britain’s railways, as Bob Crow made the case for industrial action on HS2 in approximately fifteen years time.

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Supermarkets gearing up to offer alternative to Dignitas

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Britain’s supermarkets are set to enter the lucrative assisted suicide market, after a report recommended legalising the practice for people who are in a hurry to check out and have ‘12 months or fewer’.

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Nation prepares for flood of mawkishly sentimental adverts

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As John Lewis reported a bumper Christmas trading period, the nation braced itself for the onset of thousands of crappy sentimental adverts from retailers seeking to emulate the department store giant.

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Sales of ‘any old shit’ expected to treble as men start Christmas shopping

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The sale of presents being purchased using no thought or imagination is expected to see a huge increase today as men suddenly start to realise it’s Christmas.

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