Business

ISIS transports links decimated after NATO hand Mosul contract to Southern Rail

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The so-called Islamic state was brought to its knees this week after a calculated move by NATO saw beleaguered train service, Southern Rail, handed the transport contract for the terrorist’s last major stronghold, Mosul.

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Sports Direct shocked to learn that paying employees the legally required amount reduces profits

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Sports Direct today blamed the Government for forcing it to pay “unreasonably legal wages” to its employees, which has resulted in a 25% fall in pre-tax profits.

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30-day warranty expires on ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball caps

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The warranty on ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball caps has expired 30 days after the US election, meaning they are now falling to bits with startling rapidity.

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Islamotron Qur’androids set to invade Earth and steal your job, claims Daily Mail

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Islamotron hate-cyborgs are heading to Earth from the Muslim World to steal your job, and that’s official!

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Chances of your information being stolen are better than 1 in 14 million, lottery players told

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After the theft of data from the National Lottery website, online players have been told that the chances of them losing their bank details are better than winning the lottery

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Satire writers massively overestimating how interested people are in Brexit

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Britain’s satire writers are way more interested in Brexit than the average member of the population, studies have shown.

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OPEC finalise deal to say they’re cutting oil production whilst pumping like their life depends on it

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OPEC have reached a historic deal to say they’ll cut the production of oil while in reality doing absolutely nothing, they have announced today.

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Vegetarians furious at plans for slices of ham to be accepted as legal tender

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Slices of thin-cut ham are to be accepted as legal tender in the place of £5 notes, the Bank of England has confirmed.

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Eric Bristow announces bid to become Daily Mail columnist

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Former darts player has made a play for a lucrative position at the Daily Mail by saying horrifically offensive things on social media.

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Elderly face cull to pay for Brexit

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As the cost of Brexit becomes clearer, the Government plans to cull the elderly in order to save money on social care in order to fund the diplomacy and bureaucracy required to extricate the country from EU.

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