Business

‘Venom’ trailer basically evil Mister Tickle

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The trailer for the forthcoming ‘Venom’ superhero film has revealed the plot to be evil Mister Tickle off the Mister Men, movie insiders report.

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TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines

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Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.

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Landlord ruins pub by making it family friendly

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A local boozer has ruined everything by welcoming children.

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L.K. Bennett fingerprints its customers, affirms Amber Rudd

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The Home Secretary has declared that registration for EU nationals after Brexit would be as easy as joining a shopping website that requires a passport scan, fingerprints, two proofs of address and countersigned photos just to buy a handbag.

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Daily Express wanks itself dry as Princess Diana’s grandson is born on Saint George’s Day

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The Daily Express has spuffed all over the place.

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HR confirm impending nuclear armageddon is not a valid excuse for spending afternoon in sunny pub garden

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The HR department has confirmed that impending nuclear Armageddon and the ensuing extinction of all life on earth is no excuse for spending the afternoon in the pub.

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Weather more likely to bring London to a standstill than terrorists, reports confirm

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A nice sunny afternoon is more likely to put a Londoner off getting to work than someone directly trying to murder them, reports have confirmed today.

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“Wenger Out” sign manufacturers facing mass redundancies

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The ‘Wenger Out’ sign manufacturing industry is facing collapse today due to Arsene Wenger being finally out.

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Victoria’s Secret launches economy range entitled “Rutting Essentials”

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Victoria’s Secret has launched a range of underwear without the pretence.

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Ocado adds ‘stockpile’ to its quantity options

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Ocado, online saviours to the lazy middle-classes, has announced that it will be adding ‘stockpile’ to its website’s quantity options.

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