Man disappears

A man has disappeared after realising how easy that is.

Simon Williams, 32, works in marketing in an office in Sleaford and spends eight hours a day staring at a computer screen until an older man tells him to go for lunch or to go home.

“And I worked out I don’t actually have to do that,” said Simon, walking along the Devon coastline in his bare feet.

“You know we’ve all got cars. We can go literally anywhere and we choose to go to an office or a factory or wherever we spend our days doing something we’d as soon not do. That is fucking mental when you think about it for five minutes.

“No, I’m done. I have no plan here, but I’ve had plans all my life and all that got me was a tiny cubicle in an office in Sleaford and what I’m quite sure is the start of an ulcer.

“I was thinking about selling seashells by the seashore but, even with my new sense of hippyness, that’s actually a terrible business model. No wonder the market leader had to diversify into tongue twisters.”

Simon’s boss, Jay Cooper, said “Ugh. Simon’s gone missing again has he? He did this before and it turned out he tried to open a beetroot farm somewhere in Kent.

“It’s just a phase that seems to come about when it’s particularly warm and sunny out. I assure you, he’ll be back to finish those quarterly reports the very second it starts to rain.”

Jeff Goldblum

Theresa May’s future as Prime Minister is looking even bleaker than normal today, after the installation of a statue of the actor Jeff Goldblum appeared in London and immediately garnered more public praise than has ever been sent her way.

The 10ft tall, 25ft long statue, which depicts the 90s heart-throb reclining with his famous chest exposed, has been so well received that it has been tipped to replace Theresa May in the case of a snap election.

Londoner Simon Williams, who saw the statue this morning whilst openly weeping for the future of his country on his commute to work as he does every day, told us, “I don’t know where this came from, but it is an absolute sight for sore eyes and a little ray of hope for all.

“I mean, who doesn’t love Jeff Goldblum? Who wouldn’t want to see him, or even a statue of him, in charge of the country?

“There is already a petition to make this statue Prime Minister, and there is even talk of a coup to forcibly put it into Number Ten and let it handle the Brexit negotiations.”

Bystander Christoper James agreed, adding, “Seeing a photo or semi-naked statue of Jeff Goldblum always takes me back to the mid-1990s, when all I had to worry about was whether my copy of Blur’s Parklife had got scratched.

“They were much happier times, probably because he was just so effortlessly cool and instilled a calm confidence into the world.

“Unlike some vicar’s daughters I could mention.”

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