pub afternoon

The HR department has confirmed that impending nuclear Armageddon and the ensuing extinction of all life on earth is no excuse for spending the afternoon in the pub.

It was felt that this should be clarified following the entire claims-handling department’s decision to spend Thursday and Friday afternoon in the Fanciful Whimsy drinking heavily in the sunshine and trying to settle once and for all who is the ‘Candy Crush King.’

The HR department’s statement on the matter stated that ‘whilst relations between North Korea and the US are somewhat febrile at present, that is no excuse to stop processing all claims and engage in a sustained bout of heavy drinking.’

“Should tensions escalate we may revisit this policy, but for the moment staff will be expected to carry out their designated duties.”

“Yeah, but that’s bollocks though, isn’t it,” said claims handler Simon Williams.

“I mean, really, if these two mentalists are going to nuke everyone up then who gives a monkeys if some geezer’s claim that he got the shits off a dodgy ham sandwich isn’t put through in six to eight weeks.

“Is he really going to mind that I spent the afternoon in a pub garden preparing for a full weekend of doing the same?

“I mean, if he’s been all blown up and irradiated then having the shits are going to be the least of his problems, isn’t it?”

“Bloody stupid.”

Staff are entitled to appeal the decision but it is unlikely that any appeal will be processed before the impending nuclear Armageddon.

Arsenal fans

Arsenal football clubs is rumoured to be planning to pick three managers now, to save time next autumn.

The North London football team are understood to be in crisis meetings all day, after Arsene Wenger’s departure left them with a vacancy in the critical ‘team scapegoat’ role.

Fans are excited at the prospect of a new face at which they can guide their vitriol, and the club is keen to ensure if provides the fans with the level scapegoat they have come to expect.

Club management has called for suggestions for who they can pin their next failure to qualify for the Champions League on, so long as the finger does not end up pointing at them in any way whatsoever.

“Top of the list of scapegoats is Arsene Wenger’s failure to spend more in the 1998 season, followed by Piers Morgan being an insufferable arsehole, and then in third place is the ‘wrong sort of grass on the pitch’,” said club Chairman Simon Williams.

“With a bit of luck and a fair wind, by Christmas we’ll be blaming the poor results on ‘morale and unreasonable refereeing decisions’ before everything just peters out into general grumbling by next March.”

“However, we want fans to go into the next season confident that our staggering run of underperformance and disappointment will continue unabated under, whoever is unfortunate enough to pick up the reins in the summer.

“To our loyal followers I’d like to say we won’t disappoint you. Well, we will, but you know what I mean.”

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