Theresa May

Theresa May reckons the EU should have accepted her deeply-flawed plan for Brexit, or at the very least offered their own load of cobblers of a plan for the UK to leave the EU.

In an extraordinary statement, Theresa May revealed that the EU had basically laughed at the Chequers plan while proposing no viable alternative of their own.

“It’s a disgrace,” vented the Prime Minister.

“If the EU didn’t like our plan to tell them to fuck off, then they should have drafted their OWN plan for us to tell them to fuck off. It’s bad manners that they haven’t done so, quite frankly.

“It’s like they don’t want Brexit to happen at all. It’s ridiculous.”

French MEP, Simon Le Williams, said, “Ah, ten points for ze Prime Minister. We told ‘er weeks ago that ‘er Chequers plan would not work, but still she came and presented it to us.

“Is it not clear yet? None of us want Brexit to ‘appen. It’s a stupid idea for stupid people. If you want it to happen, we are not going to help you do it.

“If we see someone about to jump off ze bridge, we don’t offer zem our own ideas as to how we would like zem to jump off ze bridge. We simply suggest they should not jump off ze bridge. It is surprising when zey get angry and demand we help zem jump of ze bridge.

“We don’t want to help ze UK jump off ze bridge. I ‘ope ze metaphor is not lost in translation.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt!

Give peas a chance

Britain has finally found a thing that they can all agree on and get behind.

“Give peas a chance”- the bit of graffiti that tells southerners they’re nearly home and that bit closer to some wine – has been altered to “give Helch a break!!!”

“The fuck does that even mean?” enquired an irritated Simon Williams.

“That’s not comforting like ‘Give peas a chance’, that’s just passive-aggressive nonsense. Change it back, or the bit of road between junctions 16 and 17 of the M25 will simply lose all of its charm.

“Seriously, driving around the UK is fucking miserable. Please put back one of the few bits of gentle whimsy that makes us smile.”

Hayley Rice added, “I don’t want to be held responsible for my actions if that bit of graffiti isn’t restored.

“I won’t give too much away but it involves the Highways Agency head office and some grenades.

“It’s not often that I want my taxes to be used for what is technically a crime, but I really want quite a lot of tax money to be spent restoring ‘Give peas a chance’ to its former glory.

“Fuck Helch.”

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