Gary Stanton

Skripal poisoning suspects ‘just massively into Salisbury’, insists Vladimir Putin

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The two suspects at the centre of the Skripal scandal are just ordinary tourists who love everything Salisbury has to offer, according to Vladimir Putin.

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Sweden unveils new tolerant, laid-back kind of fascist

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Sweden’s elections have revealed a significant percentage of the country’s voters are chilled-out, sexy, far-right extremists.

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EU must impose immediate sanctions on Russia insists country that just told the EU to f*ck off

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The UK is pressing fellow EU member states for tougher sanctions against Russia in the hope that they’ve forgotten the small matter of us recently telling them all to f*ck off.

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Fifth of meat products found to contain traces of David Cameron

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Almost a fifth of the meat you are putting in your mouth may contain DNA from David Cameron, according to a new analysis of the products in our food chain.

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Seagulls refusing to follow the trawler due to scallop-related violence

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The normal state of affairs, in which seagulls follow trawlers, has been savagely interrupted by our former friends and EU partners, France.

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Pope Francis to be granted private audience with Bono

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Pope Francis is to be granted an audience with His Holiness, Bono Vox, during his visit to Dublin.

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UK to issue no-deal Brexit advice on how to tackle mutant, radioactive cockroaches

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The UK government will issue a comprehensive set of guidelines on how to cope with the hazards posed by a limited nuclear exchange between Brussels and London, it has emerged.

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Is paying off hookers what you meant by ‘draining the swamp’? World asks Donald Trump

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Donald Trump has been asked to clarify the exact meaning of the expression ‘draining the swamp’ because some people are a little confused this morning.

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Shitfaced British cruise tourists urged not to recreate that scene from Titanic

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Inebriated British holidaymakers have been urged to stay in their low-rent cabins following a woman overboard incident in the Adriatic.

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Middle-class white males abused in the street following personal attacks on Boris Johnson

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Personal attacks against Boris Johnson have left oafish, white buffoons feeling vulnerable on the UK’s streets, it has emerged.

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