Gary Stanton

Elon Musk’s hyperloop to revolutionise public transport for nonces

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Elon Musk’s revolutionary hyperloop transport system could enable nonces to travel great distances to find their prey, according to experts.

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Loathsome EU bastards insist on giving British holidaymakers even more protection

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Meddling eurocrats are seeking to ensure British consumers are protected when they book package holidays in the latest display of their frightening power.

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Michael Owen’s World Cup injury list rundown

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Hi, I’m Michael Owen, and this is my guide to who’s crocked and who’s not. You might say I’m the ideal person to do an injury summary having spent a fair bit of time on the bench myself.

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Hot weather lettuce shortage ‘just the tip of the Iceberg’, claim experts

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The current hot weather-induced lettuce crisis is really just the tip of the Iceberg, according to experts and half-arsed online satirists. As temperatures hit thirty degrees in many parts of the UK, lettuce growers admitted the heatwave could spell the endive the line for the popular veg. Green veg expert, Simon Williams, said, “For farmers […]

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Bloody skirmishes erupt between Centigrade and Fahrenheit factions as heatwave intensifies

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Temperatures reached boiling point (100 degrees C) across the UK yesterday as rival Centigrade and Fahrenheit users beat each other senseless.

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Just remember the billions we’ve spent on cocaine over the years, England tells Colombia

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England has politely reminded ambitious Colombian footballers to show a bit of fucking gratitude for the billions in drug revenues England has pumped into their dictatorship, ahead of next Tuesday’s clash in Moscow.

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Theresa May to field reserve team against Belgium in next Brexit fixture

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England will field a team of second-rate reserves throughout next week’s Brexit negotiations in Belgium, it has emerged.

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Wait a second, you’re not the gay one are you? Putin asks Robbie Williams

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Vladimir Putin has sought reassurances from Robbie Williams that he is the lone heterosexual member of former boy band Take That.

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Man who lied to impress wealthy client definitely NOT lying to impress Parliamentary Committee

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Cambridge Analytica’s Alexander Nix has told a committee of MPs the exact truth today, it has emerged.

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Adolf Hitler blames former racism on Herbal Nytol

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The spectral apparition of Adolf Hitler has suggested his fondness for genocide stems from taking Herbal Nytol, in a candid, posthumous interview.

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