Gary Stanton

Theresa May appoints Rolf Harris as Minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure

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Theresa May has appointed kiddies’ entertainer Rolf Harris as Minister for Arts in a move designed to keep him off the streets.

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Diane Abbott pledges Labour will upgrade hospital IT systems to Windows nine and three quarters

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Diane Abbott has pledged to upgrade the NHS’s existing IT systems to MS Windows 9.75 with sixty-twelve bits of RAM.

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Ian Brady loved Filet o’ Fish, insist McDonald’s

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Multiple child murderer Ian Brady loved to tuck into a good old-fashioned Filet o’ Fish meal after a hard day’s slog on the moors, according to McDonald’s.

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Murderous cyber-attack on the NHS linked to the Tory Party

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Theresa May’s government is thought to be behind the latest attempt to cyber-fuck the NHS.

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Sushi fans warned to cook it properly after man gives birth to conger eel

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Sushi lovers have been warned to cook it properly to avoid playing host to large parasitic eels with ferocious teeth.

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Diane Abbott pledges to cap energy bills at eleventy billions every half quarter

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Under a Labour government, consumers would pay no more than eleventy billion pounds per 1.5 months, according to Diane Abbott.

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Marine Le Pen to rebrand the Front National as the National Front

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Marine Le Pen is to rebrand her far-right Front National party as the more catchy sounding National Front, it has emerged.

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Tories to ban London Marathon after strong runner filmed helping weak runner

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Prime Minister Theresa May has called for the London marathon to be banned after a strong athlete helped a weak athlete in an outrageous display of asphalt-based socialism.

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France as thick as merde de cochon

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Twenty-two percent of French voters are as thick as fucking merde de cochon, it has emerged.

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North Korean gulag victims offer sympathy to Brits forced to vote again

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North Korean dissidents with electrodes attached to their ball sacks have expressed sympathy towards Brits who face the renewed nightmare of the polling booth.

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