Gary Stanton

Radioactive Korean refugees won’t be welcome in Britain, insists fifty-two percent of UK

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Migrants fleeing the forthcoming nuclear holocaust on the Korean peninsula can piss off back to where they came from, according to a majority of Britons.

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36,000,000,000 was too many zeroes to fit on the side of a bus, insist Brexiters

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The colossal Brexit severance payment contained far too many zeroes to fit neatly on a campaign bus, according to space-conscious Brexit morons.

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Student who invented ultra-light washing machine has no intention of ever using one

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A student who invented the super-light washing machine is still handing his laundry to his mother, it has emerged.

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Tighter border controls should not apply when I’m going on holiday, insists angry Brexiter

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Freedom of movement is only a great idea when going on holiday, according to a Brexit twat who voted to prevent it.

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Jeremy Hunt announces 21,000 new NHS jobs to treat mental health problems he created

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Jeremy Hunt has announced 21,000 new NHS posts to stem the flow of suicidal junior doctors.

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Slaughter of male BBC presenters could save licence fee payer billions, pledges Theresa May

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TV licences are set to become a lot cheaper after the government announced plans to cull leading male presenters.

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Morning-after pill not as cheap as keeping your legs shut, insists Boots

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The morning-after delayed contraceptive pill is more expensive than keeping your legs together you filthy scrubber, it has emerged.

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Bear found not guilty of shitting in the woods after hiring OJ Simpson’s defence lawyer

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Brown bear, Simon Williams, has been found not guilty of defecating in a forest after employing OJ Simpson’s defence lawyer.

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Two million ‘a small price to pay’ for Chris Evans’ wit and spontaneity, nation agrees

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Top earning disc jockey, Chris Evans, is probably underpaid according to virtually anyone in Britain with a radio.

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Starting BBC salary for female Doctor Who less than male trainee Dalek

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The new female Doctor Who has kicked up a shitstorm after discovering her starting BBC salary will be substantially less than a male Dalek fresh out of RADA.

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