Gary Stanton

Everton reward violent fan by banning him from watching Everton

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A violent Everton fan’s life ban from Goodison Park is a blessing in disguise, it has emerged.

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World’s leading sociopath fails empathy hurdle

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The most powerful sociopath in the world has failed to successfully replicate the human emotion of empathy, according to reports today.

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Suspected paedophile’s reputation in tatters over ‘Conservative Prime Minister’ accusations

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Suspected paedophile Sir Edward Heath’s reputation lies in tatters over claims that he was a Conservative Prime Minister in the 1970s, police have said.

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Ryanair asks Uber drivers if they’d like to try flying a plane

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Ryanair boss, Michael O’ Leary, is seeking to recruit newly-unemployed Uber drivers with a head for heights, it has emerged.

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Driving ban sees Wayne Rooney open up eight-point gap over Everton

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Wayne Rooney has opened up an eight-point gap over the team he plays for, it has emerged.

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English football fans outraged after German football fans behave exactly like English football fans

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English football fans have been outraged by outbreaks of Englishness among fans of a German football team, this morning.

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Theresa May downgraded to Category One Prime Minister

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Theresa May has been downgraded to a Category One Prime Minister and is expected to fizzle out shortly, according to reports.

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Firing a missile over Japan is outrageous, insists country that nuked Japan twice

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The firing of a missile over Japan is outrageous, but not quite as outrageous as reducing two of its cities to smouldering, radioactive rubble, it has emerged.

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‘Pregnant’ immigrant panda puts in early bid for Edinburgh council flat

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Edinburgh Zoo has said there are ‘strong indications’ that its pregnant giant panda has already asked the local council for a flat.

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Vaginal seeding does not work on 71-year-old US Presidents, doctors tell Trump

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Grabbing a handful of pussy to boost your immune system has no net beneficial effect on the health of world leaders over the age of sixty-five, doctors have warned Donald Trump.

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