Dan Sweryt

Mary Poppins Returns subtitle finally revealed as ‘Mary Delivers a Brexit That’s Practically Perfect in Every Way

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The title of the belated Mary Poppins sequel has finally been revealed as ‘Mary Poppins Returns: Mary Delivers a Brexit That’s Practically Perfect in Every Way’.

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Planet Earth to search for better deal by switching away from the Sun as main energy provider

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Planet Earth is planning to switch from using the Sun as its energy supplier, in order to get a better deal on its fuel bills.

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Nigel Farage comeback ruined by fact he never went away

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Genetically-engineered Mr Toad and foremost loudmouth Nigel Farage’s political comeback has been completely ruined by the fact he never really went away in the first place.

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‘Wenger In’ signs appearing at Emirates stadium after new manager’s pathetic start

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Famously tolerant Arsenal fans have already started bringing ‘Wenger In’ signs to matches after Unai Emery’s pathetic start to the season which began with a defeat to the best team in the world.

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Roads become self-healing as tarmac melts to fill potholes

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The UK’s roads have officially become self-healing in the ongoing heatwave as tarmac is melting to fill in potholes up and down the country.

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New law designed to stop you receiving unwanted email generating terabytes of unwanted email

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The new General Data Protection Regulation laws designed to stop everyone receiving unwanted email have resulted in the generation of billions of terabytes of unwanted email as every company ever is emailing you to tell you about it.

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Very rich people happy to discover that undermining our democracy only costs £70,000

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Very rich people in the UK are pleased to find that the process of undermining democracy comes with a very reasonable charge of only £70,000.

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Man decides it’s easier to be climate change denier than waste his life washing out food containers

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A man has decided it’s easier to become a climate change denier than spend 90% of his free time scrubbing out the remnants of an M&S Broccoli Cheese or Waitrose Cannelloni in order to recycle them.

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TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines

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Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.

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Parents teach kids reality of Tory Government by sending them out on non-existent Easter egg hunt on April Fools’ Day

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Parents are teaching their offspring about the realities of Conservative promises by sending them out on a day-long egg hunt when there aren’t any eggs.

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