Dan Sweryt

Roads become self-healing as tarmac melts to fill potholes

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The UK’s roads have officially become self-healing in the ongoing heatwave as tarmac is melting to fill in potholes up and down the country.

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New law designed to stop you receiving unwanted email generating terabytes of unwanted email

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The new General Data Protection Regulation laws designed to stop everyone receiving unwanted email have resulted in the generation of billions of terabytes of unwanted email as every company ever is emailing you to tell you about it.

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Very rich people happy to discover that undermining our democracy only costs £70,000

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Very rich people in the UK are pleased to find that the process of undermining democracy comes with a very reasonable charge of only £70,000.

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Man decides it’s easier to be climate change denier than waste his life washing out food containers

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A man has decided it’s easier to become a climate change denier than spend 90% of his free time scrubbing out the remnants of an M&S Broccoli Cheese or Waitrose Cannelloni in order to recycle them.

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TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines

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Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.

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Parents teach kids reality of Tory Government by sending them out on non-existent Easter egg hunt on April Fools’ Day

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Parents are teaching their offspring about the realities of Conservative promises by sending them out on a day-long egg hunt when there aren’t any eggs.

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People stuck overnight on motorways to be charged council tax

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Unfortunate motorists stuck overnight on motorways in the snow will be charged council tax for ‘residing’ in the area.

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UK ‘severely ill-prepared’ after test run of Nuclear Winter

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The United Kingdom has been found to be ‘severely lacking’ in preparation for the upcoming Nuclear Winter after the government secretly ran a week-long test run of some snow.

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BBC ‘class divide’ based upon how you pronounce ‘class divide’

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The ‘class divide’ at the BBC is based upon how you pronounce ‘class divide’ when you bring it up.

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Republicans demand Second Amendment be changed to remove right to ‘not bear arms’

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Right-minded Republicans are demanding that everyone in America be constitutionally forced to arm themselves with one or more guns regardless of what they personally think about the matter.

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