Dan Sweryt

TSB to replace cash machines with fruit machines

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Ailing bank TSB has decided to replace all their hole-in-the-walls with fruit machines in a bid to liven up the banking industry still further, after their groundbreaking introduction of a data protection-deficient randomly-accessible new banking system.

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Parents teach kids reality of Tory Government by sending them out on non-existent Easter egg hunt on April Fools’ Day

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Parents are teaching their offspring about the realities of Conservative promises by sending them out on a day-long egg hunt when there aren’t any eggs.

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People stuck overnight on motorways to be charged council tax

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Unfortunate motorists stuck overnight on motorways in the snow will be charged council tax for ‘residing’ in the area.

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UK ‘severely ill-prepared’ after test run of Nuclear Winter

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The United Kingdom has been found to be ‘severely lacking’ in preparation for the upcoming Nuclear Winter after the government secretly ran a week-long test run of some snow.

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BBC ‘class divide’ based upon how you pronounce ‘class divide’

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The ‘class divide’ at the BBC is based upon how you pronounce ‘class divide’ when you bring it up.

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Republicans demand Second Amendment be changed to remove right to ‘not bear arms’

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Right-minded Republicans are demanding that everyone in America be constitutionally forced to arm themselves with one or more guns regardless of what they personally think about the matter.

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Last two ISIS ‘Beatles’ fighting over who has to be Jihadi Ringo

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The last two British Da’esh ‘Beatles’ have come to blows over who ends up having to be Jihadi Ringo, after being confirmed last night as captured by Kurdish forces.

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Liverpool to spend £99.4m of Coutinho money panic-buying Andy Carroll

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Liverpool are planning to spend 70% of the money they received from Barcelona for Philippe Coutinho panic-buying Andy Carroll again.

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David Davis desperately hoping for new job in Cabinet reshuffle

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Unthinking man’s idiot David Davis is desperately hoping for a new job in Theresa May’s upcoming cabinet reshuffle.

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Scumbag state school students still somehow getting places at Oxbridge, complain posh people

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State school pupils are still somehow getting around 20% of places at Oxford and Cambridge Universities, despite constant attempts by the Conservative Party to limit their chances.

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