Monday 15 October 2018 by Andrew

Nation’s weekend “Not bad, thanks”


Water cooler conversation

After a massive national poll, the largest countrywide survey since the 2011 census, the weekend of 65m Britons was declared “Not bad, thanks” this morning.

Polling, which began as early shifts clocked on in the small hours, carried on through thousands of snatched conversations at school gates, and concluded around office kettles and water coolers from Land’s End to John O’Groats, shows that 100% of Britons did “Not much, really” for 48 hours, a swing of 0% according to Gallup.

When asked how his weekend was, Simon Williams, 32, from Dudley, told a NewsThump exit poll researcher, “Yeah, not bad, thanks. Didn’t really get up to much. What about you?”

The NewsThump exit poll researcher’s weekend was also “Not bad, thanks”.

Excitement was sparked in Somerset with reports of a primary school teacher whose weekend wasn’t not bad, but after a two-round run-off vote, the returning officer reported that the woman in question’s weekend was not bad after all.

Psephologists have been busy interpreting the landslide result and using the data to adjust forecasts about what people will be doing for Christmas this year, with bookies already no longer taking bets on “Probably having a quiet one”.

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