Wednesday 10 October 2018 by Chris Ballard

Under-25s turning their backs on pissing a tiny disposable income up the wall


twenty somethings no longer drinking

When most of your money is spent renting a shitty room in a crappy house in an awful part of town, paying five quid for a pint of shitty lager becomes increasingly unattractive, according to a new survey this morning.

It revealed that many under-25s are now teetotal, not due to any particular desire for abstinence, but because their meagre incomes can’t be wasted pissing money up the wall.

New statistics showing that young people don’t drink have been incorrectly interpreted as being due to the ‘generation sensible’ effect. The truth is that they simply can’t afford to have fun.

Simon Williams, 23, said, “I fantasise about binge-drinking myself into a coma, waking up covered in my own piss and vomiting into the toaster. But I just don’t have the cash.

“It would be unfair to say people my age don’t have fun, but we’ve definitely had to redefine what ‘fun’ actually is thanks to 80% of our pay packets going on rent.

“We still enjoy banter with our mates, we just have to talk at reasonable volumes and actually listen instead of shouting at each other in crowded pubs.

“It’s not ideal because you realise how tedious your friends are when you can actually hear them – but we make do.

“We can even still do shots, it’s just that they’re shots of coffee. And we have to make them last a few hours or we get kicked out into the cold.

“The only thing we really miss is dancing which is basically impossible to do without getting shitfaced.

“This is slowly beginning to change though. We now have role models like Theresa May who demonstrate that you can still make a complete twat of yourself while sober by randomly flailing your limbs and walking like you’ve soiled yourself.

“So while Tory austerity has possibly fucked up our lives forever, I suppose they are trying to give something back.”

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