Wednesday 10 October 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Millennials wondering what exactly they have to do for sneering, bitter old people to just pack it in


millennials

Millennials are wondering when exactly your Nan is going to shut the fuck up about them.

The generation of adults that drink less, work longer hours, smoke the least, is more tech-savvy, the most socially-aware and often suggests how groovy it would be to just be nice to people for a change is still somehow doing everything wrong.

“Bunch of preening wankers in need of a safe space,” sneered Simon Williams, 68, who bought his house for a tenner, has a serious drinking problem, and has cost the NHS something in the region of £600,000 so far.

“In my day we got shit-faced, grabbed women on the arse, told properly racist jokes and smoked forty a day.

“But apparently that’s just not GOOD enough for you bunch of avocado-loving, beard-having, rent-for-life know-alls.

“You want a house? Save up for it. It’s not hard. Maybe if you weren’t all so busy building safe spaces and drinking smoothies you’d know something about that.”

Hayley Rice, 30, said, “I’m not doing any of those things.

“I don’t like avocado, I can’t afford to buy smoothies, and a safe space isn’t something you build, it’s a concept.

“I don’t really have the ability to save up for a house because most of my income goes on exorbitant rent prices set by boomers who already own three or four houses.

“I don’t binge-drink or smoke because both of those activities are expensive, plus, y’know, awful.

“It’s not ideal but I’m making the best of it – although it would be nice if Simon shut the fuck up about the allegedly bad things we do that half us don’t actually do and actually aren’t bad at all, but in fact are just a reminder that he’s much closer to death than I am.”

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