Thursday 4 October 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Amazon to stop hobbling and branding staff


Amazon workers

Amazon chief has announced that the company will be ceasing the controversial practice of hobbling and branding all employees.

Hobbling is the process of smashing an animal’s ankles so that they are unable to escape, it was first used on a human in Stephen King’s fictional ‘Misery,’ and the current UK government is considering a policy of hobbling immigrants ‘for a laugh’.

Amazon currently uses hobbling in conjunction with branding to prevent employees from leaving their designated work area within the product warehouses.

A hobbled employee is unable to walk further than required to perform their job, but if they do manage to escape their area, supervisors can tell immediately because the employee would have ‘toilets’ or ‘soft toys’ burnt into their face.

Amazon boss Darth Jeff Bezos told reporters “After conversations with some of the great thinkers of our time, I have concluded that injuring and disfiguring our staff is no longer appropriate.

“Yes, it is incredibly lucrative, but I’ve been told that is not enough of a reason. So we will be stopping the practice forthwith.

“I recognise that this must come as disappointing news to everyone who started work yesterday, but shut up, at least you still have a job.”

It is thought that instead of being hobbled, employees will be chained to their work area, and the branding will be replaced by a tattoo that indicates their department.

Toilet breaks will continue to be facilitated by a dog dragging a bucket through the warehouse and employees doing their best to aim.

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