Wednesday 3 October 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Theresa May’s Conservative party conference speech: The official highlights


Theresa May conference speech

Theresa May gave her speech to a rapt audience at the Conservative Party conference today. Here are NewThump’s highlights, as they happened, from hell today:

11:45 – Theresa May makes her way to the podium without accidentally murdering someone. Visibly fist-pumps on a successful entrance and accidentally elbows the master of ceremonies in the ribs.

11:50 – The Prime Minister’s traditional opening gag about two nuns in a bath gets the customary round of applause and standing ovation.

11:53 – Boris Johnson escorted from the auditorium for yelling “BOLLOCKS!” seventeen times in the opening seven minutes.

11:58 – Theresa May describes her time in office as “not the smoothest of sailing”. Audible murmurs of “no shit Sherlock” from where Jacob Rees-Mogg is sitting.

11:59 – Comedian Lee Nelson tries to approach the stage with an EU flag and a baguette but is shot in the head by security. Two-minute standing ovation.

12:05 – PM advises everybody to strap in as it’s time to talk about Brexit.

12:08 – PM launches into a powerpoint presentation entitled “Eating for Brexit: The Nutritional Value of Mice”. Laser pointer doesn’t work and neither does the clicky thing that moves the slides along. PM suggests that both of them must have been made in Poland. Two-minute standing ovation.

12:10 – Nosebleed

12:11 – Jacob Rees-Mogg rushes onto the stage to help the PM stem the blood that is mysteriously rushing out of her face. Rees-Mogg suggests it’s a shame Britain can’t leave the EU as quickly as Theresa’s blood is leaving her body. Three-minute standing ovation.

12:13 – The PM has two balls of cotton wedged in her nose and now sounds like Marvin the Martian.

12:16 – The letters spelling out “opportunity” in the background somehow rearrange them into the phrase “death is coming”. Nobody appears sure how that happened.

12:18 – PM concludes the Brexit bit by saying Britain’s best days are ahead of her. Two-minute standing ovation from an audience who will mostly be dead by then anyway.

12:20 – PM suggests that Jeremy Corbyn is 95% dust. Standing ovation.

12:22 – PM suggests that the Tories have plans for the poor, but makes it sound more like the salt-mine kind of plan.

12:25 – PM dances to “Get Off My Dick and Tell Yo Bitch to Come Here” by Ice Cube

12:28 – Boris Johnson sets off the fire alarms for a laugh to close the conference

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