Monday 24 September 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May plans busy day of desperately clinging to power


Theresa May clinging to power

Slapstick Prime Minister Theresa May plans a busy day of desperately clinging to power.

A leaked schedule for the hapless wheat-worrier reveals that she will wake at 7am, have a big bowl of Coco-pops and then spend half an hour desperately clinging to power.

She will then sit back and watch Bodyguard on iPlayer catch-up before taking an hour to desperately cling on to power.

Despite the busy schedule, she will ensure she finds time to take a brief trip to the countryside to run through a wheat field because that’s definitely a thing that normal people do and, then she’ll sit back and desperately cling on to power for a while.

She will then spend a good few hours desperately clinging to power before her daily hour of practising behaviour consistent with society’s expectations for a normal human being.

After sobbing uncontrollably while fully clothed under a cold shower for at least half an hour, she’ll then have a solid hour to desperately cling to power before retiring to bed.

Although unconfirmed, it is expected she will spend at least an hour starring wide-eyed at the ceiling replaying the nightmare of the last few days over and over in her mind, and then she’ll briefly cling to power and finally drop off to sleep in the early hours.

It is understood that the schedule will remain largely unchanged for the coming days until the rest of the cowardly, half-witted goons in the Tory Party can agree on exactly when to stick the knife in.

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