Thursday 20 September 2018 by Neil Tollfree

EU offers to make Northern Ireland French, if it will help


Michel Barnier, Norther Ireland

The EU has attempted to break the deadlock in Brexit negotiations by offering to make Northern Ireland French.

The problem of how to manage the border between Great Britain and Ireland following Brexit, which is now a major sticking point in negotiations, only came to light in the past year, because prior to that, Brexit supporters thought we owned Ireland.

By making Northern Ireland French, it would remain in the EU and a natural border would be created by the Irish Sea.

“I think that it is a sensible solution to the problem,” said Brexit negotiator and chief Euro-bastard Michel Barnier.

“We could call it L’ile au Vert, put a big metal tower in Dublin and make them watch television channels full of mild sexual harassment and slapstick comedy.

“The cheese would become excessively smelly, but the population would gain ready access to some excellent wine.”

The process of becoming French is relatively simple, each of the population of Northern Ireland would be required to smoke a gauloises, shrug diffidently and then have sex with whoever is closest.

They would then nominate a letter in their name over which would be placed an acute accent and have a string of onions around their neck, and from that moment they will be considered French and be required to kiss everyone they meet.

The plan has been dismissed out of hand by Theresa May, but there are rumours that sensible people are discreetly enquiring about not just making Northern Ireland French, but making the whole of Britain French, as we clearly can’t be trusted with it.

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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