Wednesday 19 September 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Yoghurt is this week’s thing that will definitely kill you


Yoghurt killing you

Yoghurt will kill you and everyone you care about, according to reports from health experts this morning.

The formerly healthy substance typically enjoyed by women in fitness gear in soft-focus television advertising has actually been found to be 98% sugar and poison.

”Don’t touch that fucking yoghurt!” screamed food scientist, Simon Williams, slapping a Petit Filous out of his four-year-old son’s hands.

“Yoghurt is the new enemy. Trust not the yoghurt, for it has become death, destroyer of worlds.

“No, I do not think I’m being over-dramatic. Now give me that Fruit Corner so I can set it on fire. I’d stand back, it’s likely to explode from all the gasoline that’s definitely in it.”

Satan commented, “Dammit, they worked out the yoghurt thing.

”I was hoping you would all continue to eat it until you succumbed to the polio, cholera and dissentry that I’d snuck in with the natural ingredients and so-called ‘good bacteria’. Heh heh, what a wheeze that was.

“Anyway, keep eating those yummy oatmeal bars that definitely aren’t filled with cancer.”

“Mwahaha.”

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