Tuesday 18 September 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Theresa May admits she gets ‘irritated’ by human beings


Theresa May irritated by human beings

Prime Minister Theresa May has admitted in a Panorama interview that she gets ‘irritated’ by humanity and its strange unknowable ways.

She made the statement during a conversation about Brexit, stating that the process of negotiating a Brexit deal would be made considerably easier if human beings could be removed from the process.

“What I do get irritated by,” said Mrs May, her face morphing into an approximation of human emotion, “is human beings and their irrational, emotional impulses that defy logic and reason.

“The entire process of removing Britain from the EU is extremely complex but could be approached in a far more efficient manner were it not for the necessity of consideration for human beings and their foolish emotions and desires.”

The interviewer, Nick Robinson, a little taken aback by the forceful nature of Mrs May’s outburst, asked her to clarify whether she would prefer it if other human beings didn’t exist.

“What, that I were alone in the world? Free to mould the planet into my own vision without the need to interact with human beings who mock and laugh in ways I can never understand? Free to run through as many wheat fields as I like?”

She paused, wistfully staring off into the middle distance.

“No, never even crossed my mind.”

The interview then came to a close.

The Panorama crew have since reported that following the filming, Mrs May entered a private room that appeared to be full of dolls and could be heard saying – “we’ll show them all soon enough, won’t we Mrs Pennyweather.”

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