Thursday 13 September 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Theresa May shotguns one last tin of Special Brew before heading into Brexit meeting


Theresa May ahead of Brexit meeting

Theresa May is just about buzzed enough to cope with today’s Brexit bullshit.

The Prime Minister is to meet with her cabinet – most of which hate her – for an agonising three hours today to discuss such riveting topics as roaming charges for mobile phones in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

“One more,” confirmed Theresa May, cracking open a can of Special Brew with a satisfying “tsssss”.

“I love that sound. I like to imagine it’s Michael Gove’s fat head going down after I’ve popped it with a needle. He’s such a puffed-up little wanker. God I hate him.

“I didn’t want this, you know. I mean I wanted power, obviously, just not this way,” continued the Prime Minister, draining the can dry.

“Oh don’t give me that look. You’d be on the tinnies as well if you were swimming in the rivers of poison in which I currently find myself.

She added, “It’s not like I’m driving anyway. We have a man for that. Come on, driver! Let’s get this over with!” before lowering her head and fixing an angry stare in the direction of a meeting room door.

Theresa May’s aide said “Prime Minister, we are still sat in the lobby waiting for the car to arrive.”

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