Thursday 13 September 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Jacob Rees-Mogg proposes ‘space-holodecks from Star Trek’ at Irish border


Jacob Rees-Mogg on irish border

The ERG has proposed a solution to the Irish border issue that employs the use of ‘space-holodecks from Star Trek’ to facilitate an easy transition between Ireland and Northern Ireland.

The ERG, or European Research Group, is a club for rich, mad posh white men to reminisce about the time you could put gollywogs on jars of marmalade. It is led by the chief rich, mad posh white man Jacob Rees-Mogg.

It met yesterday to make sexist jokes, break wind and produce a paper proposing a solution to the Brexit issue of a border at Northern Ireland.

“It’s really quite a simple proposal,” said Mr Rees-Mogg, as he denied a poor orphan any more gruel.

“If a vehicle approaches the border, it is beamed to a space-holodeck where a series of androids perform the necessary customs checks and them beam it back down to the other side of the border.

“The key is to use a sort of temporal beaming technology that allows you to beam the vehicle down on the other side of the border at the exact same time that it was beamed up, making the whole process entirely seamless.”

Mr Rees-Mogg was immediately challenged about the practicality of using fictional technology for such an important endeavour.

He explained, “Well yes, it is fictional right now. But the border wouldn’t be necessary until next March, giving physicists ample time to use science to invent all the required technology.

“I mean, one just watches Star Trek, the design is all there. Simply copy that.”

The ERG also proposed a backup plan, in case the government chose not to implement the space-holodeck solution.

“We do have a second option, of course,” said Mr Rees-Mogg.

“Firstly we contact Hogwarts and get some of their top wizarding students…”

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