Thursday 13 September 2018 by DavyToast

iPhone XS to include revolutionary arsehole recognition technology


Arsehole recognition

The new iPhone XS will recognise the unique arsehole signature of its users and automatically log them in, according to details released today.

Despite a new screen and processor also being included in the new device, the revolutionary arsehole scanning technology is what has excited fans and analysts alike.

Describing the feature as ‘arsehole recognition’, CEO Tim Cook said the groundbreaking new system was aimed directly at the sort of person who has the latest Apple device and thinks it in some way makes them special or interesting.

Two cameras mounted to the device will create an ‘in depth’ picture of the specific arsehole characteristics of its user in 3D, and will use that profile to recognise them again, from any and all angles.

“We call this radical new technology ‘bumprint’,” he said, awaiting applause from the various staff and reporters gathered around him.

“Whilst there may be some initial and short-term discomfort in creating your personal bum profile, from all the required angles, we’re confident that due to so many of our users walking around with a stick up their arse, they won’t notice there’s a phone there as well after a while.

“From then on you’ll be able to sign in quickly and easily at any time you’ve not got any underwear on.”

When asked if the phone will be able to tell if its owner had enough arsehole for the phone to instantly recognise them, Mr Cook confirmed that the act of paying over a thousand bucks for the damn thing made that the easiest part of the whole process.

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