Wednesday 12 September 2018

Tim Cook unveils reasons why your current iPhone is already a piece of shit


Tim Cook revels new iPhone Xs

Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled a series of reasons why your existing iPhone is now disappointingly obsolete, and why you should immediately spend £1,000 on the new iPhone Xs.

Cook presented the new mobile devices at the launch event held insider their HQ near San Francisco, an event which has become synonymous with Apple telling users exactly why their current devices and software were actually rubbish all along.

The new iPhone Xs is seen as the ‘biggest jump’ in making your existing iPhone obsolete since the original device was launched eleven years ago.

Cool opened the presentation by saying that “iPhone Xs does all these really cool things, which you’re old one definitely doesn’t, so you should ditch it immediately.

“Such is the scale of advancements we’ve made that 2018 Tim Cook would walk up to 2017 Tim Cook holding a bit ‘L’ on his forehead before giving him an atomic wedgie for having such a crappy phone.

“Getting our users locked into a two year contract on a device which is obsolete within a year, is the Apple way, and we’ve really outdone ourselves this time.”

Among the improvements are features that users of phones not made by Apple have benefited from for years, such as a nicer screen, being even more waterproof, and not needing to plug it in every single bloody hour.

Cook continued, “With the same all day battery, our new Xs users will be able to keep their disinterested friends bored by demoing the new iPhone for hours on end.

“And if you think the Xs is a shit name, wait until you hear about the Xs Max.”

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