Monday 10 September 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Painting Boris as sex-crazed loon damages him, insist people who’ve learnt f*ck-all from last three years


Boris Johnson for Prime minister

Some people with access to newspapers and televisions reckon that panting Boris Johnson as a sex maniac will actually make a difference to his supporters.

Despite the fact we live in an era where a US President can continue to enjoy massive waves of support despite (or even maybe because of) accusations of sexual misconduct, and even enjoy bolstered popularity numbers anytime he tells someone to fuck off, the Conservatives somehow believe that showing someone as a horny, unruly, un-PC individual is going to make a shit of difference.

“Nobody wants a leader who bangs a lot of women,” confirmed hopelessly naive Number Ten spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“The modern voter wants an astute, sensible leader with an air of quiet dignity about them. Not some populist loudmouth who can’t keep it in his trousers for more than six minutes.

“Hm? Donald Trump? Who’s that?”

Modern voter, Hayley Rice, said, “BoJo for PM!” because of course she did.

“He’s such a laugh, ain’t he? Not like those other stuffy twats from Eton – I mean I know that he went to Eton, but he’s not like the rest, you can tell from his hair. His hair’s maaaaad.

“I like how he says it like it is, y’know? By which I mean he says things that may or may not be true, but he says it in short sentences that I can understand.

“Plus all those women, what a PLAYER. Look out, Brussels, big bonking Boris is coming to getcha!”

Williams commented, “good Lord, what a ghastly woman. The rest of the electorate aren’t like that, are they?

“…oh.”

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