Wednesday 5 September 2018 by Arabin Patson

French Navy thanks Nigel Farage for helpfully suggesting they intervene


Farage calls for Navy in scallop dispute

As the diplomatic rift over scallop fishing escalates, the French Navy has said it would intervene to settle matters and wished to thank prominent British right-wingers for constantly clamouring for the navy to be sent in.

Frigate captain Simon De Guillaumes said that the French admiralty took the decision after watching the constant exhortations by populist pundits in the UK to settle commercial disputes with military force.

“It’s not something we would naturally think of ourselves. Frankly, it seems a bit excessive to use warships to police petty fishing disputes.

“But the more we heard your politicians the more we realized that anti-ship missiles and 75mm autocannons are exactly what you want to deploy when two groups of people argue about collecting seashells.

“It’s odd, because most of your most vehement politicians have not had any military experience of any kind. Don’t you require people to know something about a subject before spouting off on television about it?

“Regardless, we are keenly aware that the Royal Navy has budgetary difficulties due to launching aircraft carriers without planes because you wanted desperately to buy off the Americans. So, in the spirit of cross-channel friendships, we will release one of the many fully functioning ships we have to deal with the matter.”

Captain De Guillaumes was adamant that the French Navy would be a neutral arbiter in the dispute.

“We are not in the fishing business and only want people to go about their business on the water in a lawful way. We will assist and protect any ship who contacts us, explains the legal validity of their activity and makes a formal request for armed intervention.

“In French.”

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