Wednesday 5 September 2018 by Gary Stanton

Fifth of meat products found to contain traces of David Cameron


David Cameron meat products

Almost a fifth of the meat you are putting in your mouth may contain DNA from David Cameron, according to a new analysis of the products in our food chain.

The shock findings suggest the former PM has been up to his old habit of hanging around abattoirs since singlehandedly destroying the UK by losing the EU referendum.

Pork products, in particular, were found to contain a milky fluid described as tasting like those crackers they use to hand around at public school.

Other meat products containing unspecified DNA were suspected of having been recycled almost as often as this joke.

Meanwhile, the Food Standards Agency has called for contaminated batches to be labelled with David Cameron’s shiny face.

FSA spokesman, Simon Williams, said, “Cameron is in everything, including pig, chicken, goat, ostrich and cow. In one particular pig sample we analysed there was enough of his scrotal effluvium to cause a minor stroke.

“A typical packet of eight sausages was the equivalent to an entire family of five performing oral sex on David Cameron three times and neglecting to spit.”

Furthermore, a supposedly innocent Turkey Twizzler was likened to flicking your tongue around the ex-Tory leader’s exposed, twitching helmet and then winking at him as if you’re enjoying it.

Williams added, “These findings are extremely important when you consider that we are advising Britons to cut down on their salt intake.

“We even found a restaurant curry that contained up to a teaspoon of his dirty Eton mess. I’ve honestly no idea how he got in there.”

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