Monday 3 September 2018 by EssBee

Man who talks constant shit at work still thinks people are listening


Boring man telling story

A man from Chesterfield who has spent the last seven years talking in detail about what he did at the weekend with people nobody has heard of, what he had for tea last night and highlighting the best deals in the local supermarket, is still under the illusion that anybody is listening to him.

Simon Williams, who considers himself to be ‘king of the anecdote’ at work, something that he believes interests his weekend friends when he sees them, has actually been residing in the same subconscious zone of his colleagues’ brains as the air conditioning, the kettle and the photocopier since late 2012.

Zoe Baker, who sits directly opposite him, told us today, “Simon is a really quiet guy, I think? I never notice him to be honest, was he off last week?”

However, when we put this to Simon, he seemed to believe that he was the victim of a joke, albeit a poor one.

“Aw, that’ll just be my little mate, Zo, she loves my stories. Her saying that I’m quiet is just totes bants, what’s she like?!

“Just last week she was so interested in my golf lesson with Jim, not Jim Baldwin, the other Jim. I went to school with his brother and it was his wife Jenny who introduced me to my Margaret, when they were out with her sister, Jenny’s sister that is, obviously Margaret hasn’t got any sisters, just Joe and they don’t speak since the incident at Susie and Bob’s wedding, did I ever tell you about that? I stand by and say it was never Margaret’s fault, but Joe won’t have it, him and I have had words in the local, The Red Lion, which is much nicer since they did it out, they’ve retained the character but somehow managed to include all of the mod cons…”

At this point, we punched Mr Williams, on behalf of everyone who has ever met him and suggest that, if you have a colleague just like him, you make point of doing the same.

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