Monday 3 September 2018 by Ariana Grande

Bishop who groped Ariana Grande says “In my defence, I thought she was 12”


Ariana Grande

The bishop who groped Ariana Grande has spoken out about his actions.

Bishop Handsy McHandsyface appeared to grope the pop star’s breast while putting his arm around her at the FUCKING FUNERAL of Aretha Franklin.

“I sincerely apologise for my actions,” said McHandsface in a statement to the press.

“Groping the breast of a grown woman is most unbecoming behaviour for a bishop.

“If I had known she was over the age of 18 I would, of course, have reconsidered my actions.

“Although it has to be said, a lot of the blame for this must fall on Ariana. Why is she so damn short? I thought she was 12 years old, hence feeling that the sexual assault was ok for a man of the church such as myself. Old habits die hard, you know.”

Fellow bishop, Simon Williams, who watched the funeral, said, “It was absolutely disgusting.

“If Bishop Handsy McHandsyface can’t follow the rules and keep his hands either to himself or to underage children, then he has no right whatsoever being a member of the clergy. Has he listened to nothing the Pope has ever said?”

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