Thursday 30 August 2018 by Gary Stanton

Seagulls refusing to follow the trawler due to scallop-related violence


Seagull

The normal state of affairs, in which seagulls follow trawlers, has been savagely interrupted by our former friends and EU partners, France.

After British fishing vessels came under attack barely ten miles off the beaches once liberated from no-nonsense fascism, seagulls opted to stay home rather than get pelted by rocks, flares and anything the French could get their hands on.

Seabird, Simon Gulliams, who was not allowed a vote in the EU referendum due to being a ground-nesting member of the family Laridae, said, “On a normal working day, chasing trawlers with my feathered pals and shitting on tourists are fairly high on my to-do list.

“And as Eric Cantona once remarked, shortly after poleaxing a racist Crystal Palace fan, when I follow a trawler it is because I think sardines will be thrown into the sea.

“You could argue that it’s a conditioned response, but if I see a huge, bulging net of fish, I think there’s no way they’re going to eat all of that.

“However, I do this out of necessity, not because some apologetic, French footballer needs a poetic, if slightly confusing, metaphor.

“That said, I’m fine with scallops. Whether caught en masse or hand-dived by lithe, French teenagers, I really don’t give a fuck.”

However, as a result of yesterday’s violence, Simon had to attend a well-staffed, hygienic A&E unit in Le Havre after his seagull chum, Colin, took a glancing blow from a Serge Gainsborough LP.

“They patched Colin up pretty well and he didn’t have to wait more than four hours to see a doctor, largely because the French choose to spend a greater share of their GDP on healthcare.”

He added, “I’m starving. Can I have one of your chips?”

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