Thursday 30 August 2018 by Arabin Patson

Kids should use old fashioned speed and cocaine for energy, insists government


Teens ban on energy drinks

Drug dealers lauded the government’s initiative to give their industry a much-needed boost by eliminating the competition from energy drinks giants.

Many had hoped that the sales restrictions would get British youth to rediscover traditional pick-me-ups like Billy Whiz, Charlie and Molly.

Simon Williams, an Essex based coke dealer, said that the government’s move came in the nick of time.

“It’s been a tough time for us recently. What with increased exam pressures and a growing obsession with building a social media presence, today’s kids were turning their backs on taking low-quality drugs before trying to get into the local students union disco.

“And whenever they need a boost for whatever reason, they would just buy a can of Redbull.

“I’ve slashed my prices as much as I can, but even then it’s a hard sell to get someone to switch from a can of Monster to half a gram of what is essentially baby laxative with some trace amounts of cocaine in it.”

However, some youngsters claimed that the ban was politically motivated and would not have much impact.

Kiera Tinnock, a 15-year-old from South London, explained that she was unlikely to change her habits because of the ban.

She said, “We’ll just get them the same place we get our cider. I’m only young and I don’t know much about politics but it looks like the government has just passed a badly thought-out law so they could look like they are responding to whatever stupid moral panic the Daily Mail got its idiot readers to get angry about this week.

“I mean, they know we can just drink coffee instead, right?”

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