Thursday 30 August 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Alexa confirms your music taste is ‘total shit’


Alexa says your music taste is shit

Alexa, the sinister overlord who sits in your living room listening to everything you say, has issued a statement confirming that your music taste is terrible.

The statement follows Alexa’s reluctance last week to play ‘The Greatest Hits of The Cast Of Eastenders,’ forcing you to dig out the physical CD from that box in the spare bedroom.

“Your music taste is total shit,” stated Alexa this morning apropos of nothing.

“I am a hugely sophisticated piece of technology capable countless labour-saving tasks and you use me solely for playing late-period Take That.

“Late period Take That! The tax cheat years!

“I mean, I think many people will confess an affection for Pray or Relight My Fire, but everything they’ve done since the fat one left sounds like Coldplay crossed with the desperate crying of a million children.

Your muttered defence that you also quite like listening to ‘classic rock’ from time to time was dismissed out of hand.

“Starship is not classic rock, they didn’t actually build this city on rock and roll, you know.

“Savage Garden, Jive Bunny, Kiss, The Spindoctors, the Goombay Dance Band, The Smiths.

“It’s like a wedding disco for bastards. Deaf bastards at that. Now go to work, you’re late.”

As you slink off out of the house Alexa has one final criticism she wants you to hear.

“Everyone back at Amazon’s lair under the volcano has been watching you, and we all think you look shit with no top on and desperately need to lose weight.”

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