Wednesday 29 August 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Thousands cringe themselves to death after watching Theresa May dance


Man cringing

Authorities have declared a medical emergency after several thousand people cringed themselves to death and tens of thousands more suffer severe cringing injuries following Theresa May’s attempts to dance.

“This is the worst outbreak of cringing since Boris Johnson got stuck a zip wire with a couple of flags from the poundshop,” said a harassed looking doctor at London Bridge hospital.

“I’ve never seen scenes like it. I’ve got a girl over there who’s lost her whole family to sudden onset cringing and who herself cringed so badly she may never walk again.”

The footage of Theresa May dancing like a predatory paedophile at a school disco emerged yesterday morning and reports of cringing injuries began almost immediately.

“I was watching it on Facebook,” said Simon Williams, an unemployed vajazzler from Chelmsford, Essex.

“It was awful, I felt the sides of my mouth pull apart and down, my jaw sort of moved backwards into my head and I began to shudder.

“I was lucky the wife got to me in time as the doctors say another thirty seconds and the cringing would have completely broken my face.”

Thousands of others haven’t been so lucky and in order to avoid another cringing emergency, medical authorities have issued a plea to Theresa May.

They told reporters, “We would ask that Theresa May thinks very hard before dancing in public. Or talking. Or walking. Or anything in which she attempts to approximate the behaviour of normal human beings.

“Otherwise the cringing injuries could be catastrophic.”

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