Tuesday 28 August 2018 by Pete Redfern

Ignore what the so-called ‘experts’ say and throw us some damn bread, demand ducks


Ducks demand bread

Ducks across the country are demanding that you continue to throw pieces of bread in their direction, no matter how bad so-called experts insist it might be for them.

Recently, naturalists and ornithologists have attempted to persuade members of the public against the tradition of feeding bits of stale bread to ducks, on account of the damage it can cause to their digestive systems.

However, the news has not been well received on lakes and rivers around the country.

Angry mallard and lifelong Hovis addict Simon responded angrily to the news, telling reporters at the side of his lake, “These so-called experts clearly don’t know what they’re talking about. Everything they’ve said is Fake News. All of it.

“We’ve been living off bits of bread and the occasional accidental biscuit dropped by a toddler since sliced bread was invented. And they all taste AMAZING. Like, really good. Have you seen how much sugar is added to white bread?”

He quacked on, “The experts have obviously never experienced the ecstasy of necking down a soggy bit of crust on a cold winter’s morning.

“And now they want people to chuck sunflower seeds and oats at us instead! It’s disgusting. If they want to eat that crap then they are perfectly welcome to do so, but don’t try and force your dietary choices on us.”

The Society Of Ducks (SODS) have today issued a formal statement that if bread is no longer forthcoming they will take it upon themselves to snatch it from people’s hands and picnic tables, seagull style.

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