Tuesday 28 August 2018 by Arabin Patson

Country where trains are routinely stopped by leaves begins space race with EU


Theresa May, space race

The UK, a nation that hasn’t launched a rocket into space since 1979, has thrown down the gauntlet to the European Space Agency and decided it would launch a rival GPS network to Galileo despite every single IT project started by the British government turning to utter shit.

The announcement was greeted with mixed reactions from the public. Simon Williams, a poor person from Leicester, said he was delighted that the country was about to embark on a hugely expensive and completely redundant space program.

He told us, “Sure, we could be part of the Galileo program just by not being annoying twats and accepting that joint ventures mean respecting some previously agreed rules, but where’s the buccaneering spirit in that?

“And as someone who has just switched to Universal Credit, I know better than most how good we are as a nation at getting complicated things delivered as expected.”

Some were more circumspect. Dr Paola Arditti, head of research at the European Space Agency, said the British undertaking would be slower than most people thought mainly due to an complete absence of space research infrastructure or public interest in scientific endeavor.

He told reporters, “I’m sure a nation that adopted chip-and-pin tech a full decade after France will be able to become spacefarers in due time.

“Assuming full funding, assuming that we agree to let the UK use our launch site in French Guyana and assuming that they can lure back all the staff that are currently moving to our HQ in Prague, then they should be able to launch a rudimentary signal relay satellite by 2034.

“And one that works by 2039.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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