Monday 27 August 2018 by Arabin Patson

Northerner banished for calling evening meal dinner


man banished from the north

The North of England was the scene of much legal drama yesterday after Simon Williams, a riveter from Doncaster, was found guilty of several counts of calling his evening meal dinner.

The case was so egregious that the judge imposed the rare sentence of life banishment down south.

In his findings, presiding judge The Honourable Malcolm Theaks, said that Mr Williams was a callous offender who showed little remorse.

“Your claims that you were acting in jest are an obvious lie. You did not put on a posh southern accent or flail your arms in a homophobic manner as is obligatory when making such a joke. You are a disgrace to all good Northern men.”

Unless a royal pardon is issued, Mr Williams will be fed his last proper vindaloo, taken down to Birmingham and formally banished.

Although common in the Middle Age for crimes such as wearing a scarf or refusing a fight, banishment went out of favour in the 20th century even if it stayed on the statute book.

The last recorded use was in the case of Ronald Tipworth in 1983. Mr Tipworth was found guilty of entering the Queen’s Arms in Stockport and ordering a half.

The case became somewhat of a cause celebre for human rights activists who claimed that life among shandy drinking fairies was barbaric and had no place in modern Britain.

Mr Tipworth’s sentence was partially commuted in 1996 in recognition of his unwavering hostility towards southerners and he was allowed to live out his days in Derbyshire*.

*The good part near Glossop where people understand when you say ‘champion’.

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