Saturday 25 August 2018 by Gary Stanton

Pope Francis to be granted private audience with Bono


Pope granted audience with Bono

Pope Francis is to be granted an audience with His Holiness, Bono Vox, during his visit to Dublin.

The pontiff is known to be a huge fan of the band U2, which to this day, remains one of the few groups of good-looking boys in Ireland that the Catholic Church hasn’t fucked – and even that’s not certain.

The Pope’s visit comes just months after the Abortion Vote with The Holy See’s authority teetering perilously close to The Edge.

The two-day visit should also allow the Pope to visit the prison cells of just the handful of priests who have actually been held accountable for their crimes.

Bono and Pope Francis are likely to have much of common; both men bring ultimately responsible for a huge number of criminal records.

Yet between them, the pair have done much to alleviate the suffering of the world’s poorest and most downtrodden, while having enough financial clout to maintain their own private jets.

Meanwhile, after the latest sex scandal, Bono is expected to grant the Pope his forgiveness and, in return, receive a papal pardon for the 2014 album Songs of Innocence.

The U2 frontman is also expected to offer the Pope useful tips on how senior priests, often the most prolific child abusers, can evade arrest and imprisonment by adopting a pair of snazzy, wrap-around sunglasses.

Last night, Vatican lawyers angrily defended claims that the reason the two men have so much in common is that, like U2, the Catholic Church hasn’t done anything good since 1986.

A spokesman for The Vatican said, “We are delighted to confirm that the highlights of this evening’s Papal Mass in Croke Park will be available as a free, unremovable download on iTunes.

“That all depends, however, on whether Pope Francis survives afternoon tea with Sinead ‘O Connor.”

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