Friday 24 August 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Steamed vaginas ‘not a food’ confirms Wellness clinic


Alternative therapy room

A Wellness clinic has been forced to clarify that steamed vaginas are not a food but are, in fact, a treatment.

Vagina steaming is an alternative health therapy that involves squatting over some heated water containing a variety of herbs and is definitely not a sign of someone with mental health issues.

It is also not available to men.

“Well, we were advertising steamed vaginas for £120,” said Monderat Faerie, who runs the Blessed Attunement Wellness clinic in Chelmsford’s High Chelmer shopping centre, next door to Argos.

“We had people phoning up and asking if they came with fresh vegetables or if that was extra.

“At first I thought they wanted turnips and carrots in the steam, I mean we do cater to vegans here.”

However, the problem was a misconception over what a steamed vagina is.

“People thought it was a delicacy, you know? To eat? So they were hoping for a steamed vagina in a jus with vegetables.”

Eleanor Gay is foodie who admits her confusion.

“Well, was my face red,” she chuckled.

“I saw the steamed vagina sign and popped in to order one.

“Imagine my surprise when Ms Faerie took me into cubicle with a comfy-looking toilet and some smelly water and told me to take my knickers off.

“Obviously, I didn’t go through with it. Because I’m not a simpleton.”

The clinic has since changed the wording of the treatment to ‘Steamed Vagina (not a food)’.

Ms Faerie has also clarified that they have steamed arseholes available at £20 a bag, and they’re delicious.

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