Thursday 23 August 2018 by Lucas Wilde

UK government’s no-deal Brexit advice: an EXCLUSIVE preview


Brexit apocalypse

The UK today announced they will be publishing advice on what will happen and what should be done in the event of a no-deal Brexit. NewsThump has secured an exclusive look at some of the advice that is to be published:

Sustenance 

There will be adequate food; by which we mean there will still be plenty of squirrels milling about. The best way to hunt a squirrel is to hit it with a distance from a slingshot, although this takes skill and we are all sick of experts, so we suggest a Macho Man Randy Savage elbow job from a tree. You can either barbecue the squirrel over a fire, or hammer it flat and pop it into any toasters you haven’t had to exchange for medicine.

Local Government

Local governments will be replaced by gangs fighting for territory and pride. Think under-rated 70s movie The Warriors. The leader of the council will be whoever is the best at fighting. Your bins will probably be emptied at the same rate.

Immigration

Nobody will want to come here anymore probably, except for that kind of bullshit hippy tourist who enjoy visiting desolate countries and making Facebook posts about how much it changed their souls, and they can fuck off, quite frankly.

The NHS

The hospital buildings will have been ransacked and the doctors and nurses long since left either for their home countries or to better countries that still have a working payroll infrastructure, the selfish bastards. A kindly witch doctor will visit your district once a fortnight and say a funky voodoo prayer over any illnesses you have. It will be rubbish and you are going to die if any of your wounds become infected, but it will still be more effective than homeopathy.

Finance

We will be returning to a system of bartering. You can get a chlorinated chicken if you tarmac somebody’s driveway or something.

Benefits and pensions

Lol no.

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt!

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