Thursday 23 August 2018 by Arabin Patson

Replace Gavin Williamson with a blow-up doll, say Army chiefs


Gavin Williamson Defence secretary

After much initial resistance, it appears Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson has got senior officers figures to embrace his innovative approach to military procurement since many of them have made interesting suggestions as to how he could be replaced.

While taking on board his ideas to replace tanks with guns on tractors, staff officers have approached members of the press and explained that Mr Williamson’s contribution to national security could be done for far less money.

Suggestions so far have included marital aids, a phone with the PM’s number in it, a small dog, a large dog, a goat with a necktie, a tray of bourbon creams, a fidget spinner, alcohol, copies of Penthouse and “the next fucker to walk through the door”.

Brigadier Amanda Tinnock (ret), military consultant for the Daily Telegraph, explained that it was Mr Williamson’s unique personality that prompted such an outpouring of helpful ideas.

She explained, “Well, of course, some of the older officers would have bristled at his idea of using P&O ferries as landing craft but I’m sure the rest of them took in on board. What’s more, his ideas are really outside the box as he hasn’t spent a second in uniform, even in the TA, which guarantees their respect.

“You know the way squaddies are always calling each other names to mark their closeness. Well, imagine how fond they must be of someone they routinely call a vicious little cunt.”

Brigadier Tinnock said that for all the tabloid noise, Gavin Williamson had fundamentally changed the way the army operated.

“They used to tell Sandhurst cadets that there were no stupid questions.

“They don’t any more.”

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