Thursday 23 August 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Government guidelines for no-deal Brexit include advice on making shelter, cooking rats, and fighting


Dominic Raab

The Government has issued a series of guidelines for what to do in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

These include how to make a basic shelter for you and your family, a safe way to cook rats to provide sustenance, and some basic hand-to-hand combat techniques for fighting over the last toast topper in Tesco.

“We don’t want people to panic,” said Dominic Raab, Minister with responsibility for national self-harm.

“But we do have to prepare for the possibility of a no-deal Brexit and the inevitable societal collapse that it will bring.

“The good news is that if people follow these guidelines then a no-deal Brexit should only have a low to medium mortality rate.”

Mr Raab confirmed the one thing that the public should take from the guidelines.

“Rats are a great source of protein. We have a huge rat population in this country and by cooking and eating them, we could survive a no-deal Brexit for two to three years.”

Nigel Farage, a horrible old man from the radio, said the guidelines were just more ‘project fear’.

“Typical scare tactics,” he told anyone willing to listen.

“These guidelines make it seem like building a shelter in the woods is difficult. It’s easy. As for rat, I’m sure it’s very tasty.

“The people knew they would have to eat rat when they voted for Brexit, so we should just get on with it.”

The guidelines will be available on the Internet but the public is urged to print them off before post-Brexit power rationing begins.

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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