Tuesday 21 August 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Recognising your own country: A five-point guide


recognise the UK?

Good grief, there’s a lot more brown people knocking around here than there were back in the 1980s aren’t there? It’s enough to make you wonder which country you’re in!

Well, fear not, we’re here to help. If at any point you can’t recall that you’re waddling around the United Kingdom, then just follow these simple pointers:

1. Currency

Pop into a shop and try to buy something. Try paying with rupees, dollars or other currency that isn’t the pound sterling. Did the shopkeep look at you like he wanted to spit on your neck? Yes he did. Because you’re in the UK, and you need to use pounds here. This means you are in the United Kingdom UNLESS it’s really cold outside and there are penguins knocking about, in which case you might be in the British Antarctic Territory, though it’s rare to get that lost.

2. Landmarks

If you can see Nelson’s column, Buckingham Palace, the Houses of Parliament or the Tower of London, then you are in the capital of England, known as London, and very much in the United Kingdom.

3. Wetherspoons

These budget pubs where you can get a microwaved poached egg are yet to go international, thank Christ. If you can see/smell one, then rest assured you are indeed in the UK.

4. Car boot sales

These are uniquely British. Americans kind of do it, but they do them out of their front garden and call them “yard sales”, which is just lazy. Only the British have the spunk to load up their cars with VHS box sets of The X-Files, Beano Annuals from the 90s and broken CD players before parking up in the middle of a field in order to fleece strangers of a Sunday morning. If you’ve bought a power drill from a stranger in a field which electrocuted you when you tried to use it, you are definitely in the United Kingdom.

5. Red post boxes bearing her majesty’s insignia

We’re fairly sure no other country has these. We didn’t bother checking. It’s a fairly safe bet you’re in the UK if you see one.

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