Tuesday 14 August 2018 by Arabin Patson

Backlash unfair as Jack Whitehall has definitely sucked dick, insists Disney


Jack Whitehall Disney homosexual

To quell the social media furore aver casting a straight man in a gay role, the Disney corporation has issued strong rebuttals that they were “straight-washing” and said they were confident the British comedian had taken in some cock.

Chuck Williams, Head of Communications at Disney, was adamant the firm had no intention of disrespecting the LGBTQ community.

“We at Disney are fully committed to inclusivity and that our films reflect the wonderful diversity of modern society. We felt it was time to include an openly gay character and we wanted to make sure that whoever we cast could fully understand and represent the lived experience of LGBTQ people.

“Jack is a British man form a wealthy family who spent all his education in those private schools that they call ‘public’ because they want to be interesting.

“It is our understanding that most male alumni of these institutions have experienced many homosexual experiences, whether they wanted to or not. Even their Prime Ministers have to fuck pigs in front of their male friends.

“We have contacted former students of both the Dragon School and Marlborough College and all of them swear there was no way Jack could have gone through school without, at the very least, having to eat the jizz of his classmates off a cracker.

“He was also the classmate of Robert Pattinson and if that doesn’t get you your own float at Pride I don’t know what will.

“Don’t worry. When your kids watch the Jungle Cruise, they will definitely be watching someone who’s choked on a dick in the real world. Because, apparently, that’s what matters now.”

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