Monday 13 August 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Government to end homelessness within ten years by killing the homeless


hunting the homeless

Theresa May has announced plans to end homelessness by the year 2027 via a rigorous process of targeted slaughter.

Rather than investing in namby-pamby measures such as subsidised rehabilitation centres, additional sheltered accommodation or assistance with education, the no-nonsense Conservative government is simply going to arm special enforcement officers with bolt guns typically used for killing livestock.

“I know it sounds cruel,” said Conservative MP, Simon Williams, who didn’t offer a caveat to that sentence, and ended it there.

“Look, we’ve been told homelessness is a problem and that we should eradicate it. So that’s what we are doing, one tramp at a time.

“We were previously told the amount of people on disability allowance was a problem. We’re using our approach for solving that problem as a template for our approach to this problem.

“It will take us about ten years to kill all of the homeless because there are bloody loads of them; I never even realised just how many.

“I really don’t see a better solution to the problem and I don’t understand why anyone is unhappy about it.”

Homeless person, Jay Cooper, said, “I am a BIT unhappy about it.

“I’m homeless due to a wide array of issues, both personal and social, and they’re a little complicated but I’m sure there must be a better way to help.

“Honestly I’m hungry enough without having to sprint from some nutter with a bolt gun on a daily basis.”

Williams clarified, “Fair point. We aren’t monsters. We’ll give you a ten minute head-start. GO!”

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