Sunday 12 August 2018 by Lucas Wilde

British manners declared dead as Boris doesn’t apologise purely for being rude


Boris Johnson

Personal attacks on people’s appearance no longer warrant an apology, according to society today.

Following Boris Johnson’s refusal to issue an apology for saying women in Burkhas look like “letterboxes” and “bank robbers”, British manners were officially declared dead at 10:01 this morning.

“It’s a shame, you cunt,” smiled formerly polite historian, Simon Williams, his elbows resting firmly upon the dining room table.

“Back in the day, if you were rude about a person or group of people and that person found out, you apologised, because rudeness isn’t conducive to the overall pleasantness of a nation, you filthy fucking cocksucker.

“But now Boris has ruined it by being objectively rude about somebody’s appearance, and he’s pretty high up in the establishment, so we can all just throw manners out the window.

“Yes, people are saying ‘it’s just a joke’ – but he’s not Frankie Boyle – he’s an elected government official who is supposed to be representing us. He wasn’t elected to take the piss out of whatever minority happens to politically convenient in achieving his personal ambition.

“But seeing as manners no longer count…”

“OI! GIRLS!” yelled Williams, waving his cock out of an open window in the direction of several old ladies.

Not everybody was too disappointed.

“BRILLIANT,” said schoolteacher, Hayley Rice.

“I’m telling that little fat prick, Jason Mellings, that he’s a little fat prick who won’t amount to anything but a useful corpse for researching heart disease.

“Then when his mum comes in to complain, I’m going to tell her she’s dressed like a slag. It’s all just bantz, after all.”

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