Friday 3 August 2018 by Arabin Patson

Summer tutor hired to teach Theresa May and her Cabinet how the EU functions


Theresa May hires EU tutor

All senior ministers have been recalled from holiday as it has become clear not one of them, including the Prime Minister, understands how the European Union works and all are in need of immediate remedial lessons.

The move was prompted by several ministers pointlessly going on visits to European leaders in the erroneous belief that convincing one to support them would have any impact whatsoever.

Simon Williams, a Citizenship teacher from a West Croydon comprehensive, has been hired to give the Tory cabinet some basic pointers on European institutions.

Mr Williams admitted that going against a lifetime of willful ignorance would be difficult.

He told us, “It’s a challenge. At it’s heart, the EU is a slow process of consensus building followed by excruciatingly detailed application. Bear in mind most British MPs think running the nation consists of braying during PMQ and walking through a hallway when their Whip tells them to.

“Take Theresa for example. She’s a bright girl with a good eye for numbers and targets. But she can’t grasp that any political institution is run differently than her own government.

“So she thinks the EU is also a constant game of shifting allegiances against vainglorious snakes all vying for the top job. Poor thing.”

Asked if he judged his new pupils, Mr Williams said they were no worse than most.

“The British public is among the least well informed in the world with respect to Europe. Most graduates would struggle to name 5 European institutions, even now.

“But if the ministers study really hard, they could become as knowledgeable as a Belgian 12-year-old.

“Except Liam Fox. He’s beyond help.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Brexit supporter) – get the t-shirt here!

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