Tuesday 31 July 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Attractive simpletons win rutting contest


Love Island winners revealed

Two aesthetically pleasing, empty husks of human beings have come first in the rutting.

Jack Fincham (who sells pens) and Dani Dyer (who doesn’t) were voted the best sex people on ITV’s Love Island by the sort of people who value that kind of thing enough to spend money voting on it.

“I’m well pleased that they won the rutting,” said Hayley Rice, who values that kind of thing seemingly above all else.

“People who say they have not really achieved anything are just being well muggy. Like, Dani Dyer is Danny Dyer’s daughter. Have any of you lot ever achieved that? No. So wind it in yeah?

“I don’t normally talk like this, by the way; I’m from Bury St. Edmunds.”

Love Island producer, Simon Williams, said, “What a wonderful pair of rutters to have as our champion rutters of 2018.

“They have absolutely earned this great honour by virtue of having visible abdominal muscles and unnaturally white teeth.

“I sincerely hope they can enjoy the next three months of relative fame, and get what they can for appearances in nightclubs in such fabulous locations as Doncaster, Leeds and Slough, before they inevitably fade back into obscurity.

“Here at Love Island, we obviously wish them all the best now they’ve served their purpose. In the meantime, we’ve got to get back to work finding some high-quality rutters for next year – though I use the term ‘quality’ somewhat loosely.

“So if you look good in a swimming costume and don’t mind being wanked over by the viewing simpletons at home, please get in touch.”

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