Friday 27 July 2018

We had a lovely refreshing thunderstorm last night, northerners remind sweltering southerners


thunderstorms in the north

Last night’s thunderstorm was absolutely delightful, refreshed northerners have told their molten southern counterparts.

After much of the north of the country saw stormy weather and heavy rain that brought the temperatures down to pleasantly warm levels, those in the south have cast an envious eye on the north of the country.

“I never thought I could feel jealousy for someone who lives in Doncaster,” explained Richmond resident, Simon Williams.

“But here I am, looking at the footage of the rain falling on their dreary town and I can’t help but wish I was there. I am literally wishing I was in Doncaster being pelted with rain and wind.

“What is wrong with me?”

Northern folk have reacted with predictable restraint and understatement at their good fortune, with one telling us, “It’s because Yorkshire is God’s own county, and he thinks all southerners are arseholes.

“There’s no other explanation for it. He’s punishing you for your stuck up ways while dealing our northern brethren a delightful shower to bring relief to our night’s sleep.

“Is it really any surprise that God prefers the North?”

However, Williams rejected the suggestion that God prefers the north, insisting the available evidence clearly suggests the opposite is true.

He explained, “Yes, I’ll grant you, my house might feel like the inside of a fucking blast furnace right now, but that’s temporary.

“By the autumn my house will still be worth ten houses in the north, and as everyone knows, property values are how God truly rewards his favourites.”

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