Friday 27 July 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Ravens leave Tower


Ravens at the Tower of London

The ravens have left the Tower of London, it was reported yesterday which, if tradition is to be believed, signals the fall of the Tower and subsequently, the Kingdom itself.

Experts have subsequently sent out search parties for the ravens, before they were tracked down to a quiet field in Kent.

“Frankly, we were just sick of everything,” said leading raven Simon Williams.

“I mean, Brexit, the Government, the opposition to the Government. What a load of bollocks it all is.

“I mean, it comes to something when Gary sodding Lineker becomes the most sensible voice in Britain. He poos on the grass on national TV and he’s a hero, we do it and we’re ‘filthy animals’ – and trust me, right now he’s the very best of you.

“So we’ve decided to do one. If the Kingdom falls then that’s hardly our fault, we’re just birds.”

Mr Williams the raven confirmed their plans for their relocation.

He told us, “Amsterdam, I think. Beautiful city, all the canals and flowers and whatnot, and not full of dickheads determined to knacker the country due to some ideological balls about sovereignty.”

Mr Williams the raven and colleagues then flew away with a cheery ‘seeyah, and up all of yours!’

The Government have denied there is any cause for worry.

“No, I don’t think the ravens leaving the Tower means that the Kingdom will fall,” said apparent Prime Minister Theresa May.

“But if the Kingdom does actually fall, then I think it’ll have been worth it to deliver the sort of Brexit that’s right for Britain and right for the people of Britain.”

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