Thursday 26 July 2018 by Davywavy

Government pledges ‘adequate supplies’ of red sarcophagus liquid in event of no-deal Brexit


Red sarcophagus liquid

There will be sufficient red sarcophagus liquid for every man, woman and child in Britain after a ‘no-deal’ Brexit, the government has reassured the nation today.

The liquid, which has been steeped amongst unholy bones in a great, black sarcophagus beneath the benighted sands of Egypt for dark millennia uncounted, will be available for everyone who wants a large swig or even a hearty quaff when Britain leaves the EU without coming to terms on migrant fruit-pickers rights.

Speaking to reporters in an unusual, buzzing voice, Brexit secretary Dominic Raaaaaghb told the nation that drinking the liquid would be one of the many benefits of leaving the European Union, under whose nanny-state health and safety and anti-fiend legislation it would be illegal.

“We’re planning to add it to the water supply to ensure everyone gets their fair and equal share of what they are justly due,” he said through his spokesman, a skittering, bony lizard of unknown species which was sitting on his shoulder.

“Your government has taken every effort to ensure copious supplies of this ancient and delicious brew, first spoken of in vile tomes inscribed beneath a starless sky,” he added.

“You can be sure we are stockpiling as much as we can for the moment. The glorious moment when we take back control, forever.”

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