Wednesday 25 July 2018 by Arabin Patson

Food shortages are fine, insists Brexiter who flatly refuses to eat store-brand baked beans


Grumpy old man

Simon William, a UKIP member and retired driving instructor, has confidently proclaimed that the country could easily cope with severe shortages of daily essentials, even though he himself becomes furious when faced with any divergence to his incredibly boring diet.

Mr Williams ‘wife Janet was not so confident about her husband’s, or the nation’s, ability to muddle through.

She told us, “The war generation is mostly gone now. We think an airport shutting down for 2 days is a national tragedy. And Simon’s not one for change. We’ve been eating the same roast gammon on Sunday since 1983. He once refused to go on a free holiday to Greece because the hotel didn’t do a full English.

“I did try to get us to eat healthily but he just went to eat at the Harvesters every day. He’s still angry at our daughter for making a Thai curry with the Boxing Day leftovers. That was four years ago.

“It’s possible he could deal with empty shelves but I doubt it. He writes complaint letters to Marks and Spencers each time they remove an item. Even things he won’t eat. Like lasagna.

“As for the country: Wasn’t there a fistfight over short supplies at Build-A-Bear recently? I doubt that people who brawl over a substitute ribbon on a toy will react all that well to a lack of nappies or sugar.”

Ms Williams was then interrupted as her husband began ranting about running out of milk and being forced to walk six hundred yards to the local corner store which was somehow the fault of Muslims.

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt!

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