Monday 23 July 2018 by Chris Ballard

Man won’t go to bed until spider is found


man scared of spiders

A grown man is too afraid to go to sleep until he’s located the spider he spotted in his bedroom earlier.

Thirty-seven-year-old Simon Williams was about to get undressed for bed when he saw a “massive” spider scuttle behind the bedside drawers.

“I ran straight to get my wife,” he said. “Not because I’m scared or anything, but because her small female hands are better at getting into tight spaces.

“However, by the time she pulled out the drawers the foul beast had already moved on. It must still be in here somewhere so I can’t go to sleep until it’s been found and destroyed.

“I’m not going to let a heinous bastard spider crawl into my mouth in the night, lay eggs in my gut and force me to shit out hundreds of baby spiders. Because that’s what will definitely happen.”

As Simon turned over the mattress and took down the curtains his wife Sarah said, “Yeah, this happens about once a month. I’ve learned to just let him get on with it.

“I know neither of us will get any sleep until he’s completed a thorough ‘sweep of the area’.”

“It’s moving above us!” Simon suddenly exclaimed. “It’s in the ventilation shaft!”

“We don’t have a ventilation shaft darling,” explained Sarah. “This is a three bedroom semi, not the Nakatomi Plaza. That noise was just the pipes settling.”

“Now keep your wits about you,” said Simon as he cautiously approached the laundry basket, squash racquet in hand. “This is when we could get attacked from the side by the other spider WE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WAS THERE…”

“No darling, that’s velociraptors,” said Sarah. “I don’t think house spiders hunt in packs.”

Half an hour later Sarah told us, “If he doesn’t find anything soon I’ll pop to the garage to get a spider and plant it on top of the wardrobe or something.

“He won’t know the difference – they’re all just horrifying eight-legged demons to him.”

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