Saturday 21 July 2018 by Gary Stanton

EU boss emerges from bathroom clutching Theresa May’s soiled White Paper


Michel Barnier

Theresa May’s Brexit White Paper has gone down a storm in Brussels due to a shortage of bog roll.

The 42-page document instantly met all the requirements of EU chief, Michel Barnier, who described it as ‘soft, strong and very very long’.

EU bosses insisted, for reasons now known, that May’s negotiating position should be presented on perforated sheets of A4 in a quilted and scented format.

Barnier said, “This White Paper put me in mind of playful puppies running down the stairs in a well-furnished home. It really was that good.

“Normally, if I want a laugh while I’m on the shitteur, I read Private Eye, but the chapter on access to Free Trade had me in stitches.

“I can safely say that it met all of the necessary criteria in that it got the shit off my arse, wizout getting my hand dirty.”

Meanwhile, in what emerged as great news for May’s government and Britain in general, Monsieur Barnier confirmed that he had indeed shifted his position.

“Yes that’s right. I shifted my position several times, in fact. Once, when my right buttock began to ache, and again when I became fearful of a dangerous splash-back scenario.

“Of course, you were ‘oping for a deal. Well, if you send us more of this stuff, maybe this time wrapped around a small cardboard tube I’m sure we can do somesink about the Irish bordeur.”

He added, “If I have one criticism, it is only that it was very difficult to flush.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt!

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